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Emilia's Birth Story

Friday, October 23, 2020

In November of last year, I wrote a blog titled "Missed Hope."  I had no idea at the time when I posted that blog, that the next month, we would find out we were pregnant with what would be our second sweet girl.

Starting off our 2020 year with this news was such a blessing and little did we know how much hope, light, and joy, she would bring in this crazy year.

My pregnancy was more difficult than it was with Eleanor but overall I cannot complain. Each visit was pretty uneventful. At our 20 week ultrasound, she measured about 5-10% bigger then her sister Eleanor did at that time. 

If I'm being honest, with my first pregnancy (and I'm sure for any Mom this would be any pregnancy), you want everything to be okay, but I didn't really have a lot of anxiety about when she was coming/things being okay. Knowing she was breech from the beginning, there was conversation early on about having a C-section if this did not change. And so as planned, at 39 weeks and 0 days, I did have Eleanor via C-section. Early on in this second pregnancy, I kept having fears/feelings that I wouldn't make it to the end. Many conversations I would tell my Mom that. That being said, I am type A, and with Covid, working from home for about 8 weeks, maybe it was the "control" I longed for in having everything ready by 35-36 weeks was my goal. 

Around 32 weeks, an ultrasound was done to check how the baby was doing. She at this time, measured in the 17th percentile. I knew it was lower than the 20 week ultrasound, so I questioned if this was a problem. I was told they monitor the size and it really only becomes concerning if it is under 10%. At this time it was decided at my 36 week apt, we would look at her on an ultrasound again.

Throughout COVID, sometimes Andrew was able to come and other times their policy did not allow anyone else to come with me. For my 36 week visit, it was open to one person, and Andrew was working so I was so thankful my Mom was able to join me. During the ultrasound, the tech kindly explained what she was looking at and was so gracious in answering my questions. I knew shortly into this, by her comments, and then the length of this ultrasound that it wasn't just "ok" how the others had been. She then explained that the baby measured in the 7th percentile. My mind started racing to all the questions: "What does the doctor do with this?" "Would I be having a baby today?" "Is it something I did?" 

My Mom and I thanked her for her time, took the pictures that we had of my sweet baby girl, and headed back into the waiting room waiting for them to call me for my apt. I will never forget this moment. As we sat in the waiting room, masked, and more then 6 ft away from everyone else, I had a huge knot in my throat that I couldn't hold in anymore, the tears started flowing, and my Mom was so supportive, loving, and just the presence I needed in that moment. 

As we met with the Doctor, he told me he wanted me to go see the fetal medicine doctor, this was on a Tuesday and he told me he wanted me seen by Thursday or Friday that week and if they could not get me in I would come back there on Friday for a stress test to check on things. I was informed I would be seen twice weekly at that point until I delivered. He seemed confident the baby was just small because I am, and tried to reassure me. I went home and looked up "IUGR"- Intrauterine Growth Restriction, and maybe this was not the best thing. Clearly its helpful to be informed, to know what questions to ask, but some of the potential causes for this made my anxiety worse in the waiting. 

I had been praying for this baby all along, but I began pleading with the Lord to protect her, keep her safe, and admitting my fears, and where they were coming from. Trying to remember, that He loved/loves her more then I do. 

Last bump picture taken, 37 weeks and 4 day

The specialist was not able to see me until the following Tuesday. I made my way back to the regular OB office that Friday for a stress test. Everything checked okay based on that and I was instructed when to report to the hospital, and that they would see me next week.

My specialist apt was scheduled for the following Tuesday. I worked around the house over the weekend to get my loose ends completed as my anxiety was raging, and honestly, cleaning up my house felt like the only thing I could control. Andrew got off work to come with me Tuesday to this apt, even though no one was allowed to come in with me, I needed the support and presence, even if it meant knowing he was out in the car.

Monday night, I went to bed, praying I was going to sleep good, well as good as you can 9 months pregnant. My bag had already been packed, as I previously said, I wanted to be ready at 35-36 weeks. Each time I would go to my apt, I put my bag in the car...again, another form of control. Can I get an amen from my type A friends?

We made our way to Melbourne as this apt was in a building just across from the hospital. We stopped for coffee, and made our way there. I hugged Andrew, and went in. The staff was so kind. I have to be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to make it to this apt. At about midnight the night before I started to feel cramps, similar to what I had the day I went into labor/had Eleanor. I was never in full blown labor, but the day I had my scheduled C-section I was having contractions when I arrived. 

I ended up on the couch during that night, and I was timing these, they were sporadic and by the early morning hours they had stopped. I wasn't sure if they were actual contractions or maybe I was just crazy at that point. At the apt I was sure to tell them how my night went.

The ultrasound took place, and I asked questions, but to be honest, I don't even feel like I heard anything she said as my nerves were shot. The MD I was supposed to see, was in an accident so the covering provider was out of Texas and I was going to be doing a face time visit. I was ready to be done with this just to "know" what was going on. My facetime visit started and the MD was so kind. Asked me a lot of questions about my previous pregnancy and my family history. She went on to say she reviewed the scan and at this apt the baby was now measuring in the 6%, meaning lower then the previous week, I was taken back as I had gained 1 lb myself and I thought for sure she was growing. She also informed me that my fluid levels were low. At this point at 37 weeks, which is considered full term, she told me it was best to deliver her today because regardless of WHY she was no longer growing, there was confidence in knowing if they got her out, we could give her all she needed when she was out. She told me she would call my physician and let them know I was going to the hospital and that I should head right over there. I asked her how much she thought she would weigh. Her guess, 5 lbs  8 ounces. 

I'm not sure when it came over me, but at some point in that visit, peace swept over me. I knew I wasn't going home. Clearly, I did have some racing thoughts, and trying to grasp that this was it. I wasn't going into work that afternoon etc. 

I came down the elevator. Walked outside, text Andrew I was done and he came to pick me up. I opened the door and simply said "we're having a baby today." It was very unlike me. I didn't panic. I didn't cry. Just very  matter of fact about it. Looking back he even told me, I knew there was something different about you that day because I thought for sure you were going to tell me that we were going to just monitor everything and come back the following week. 

We sat in the parking lot of the hospital, took a deep breath and both of us made some phone calls handling the things we needed to. Made sure Eleanor was all set, the dog was taken care of, work was informed I would not be coming in, and we called our parents.

Prior to this delivery, I really struggled with my thoughts/feelings on doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) Vs. a repeat C-section. My Mom had threatened me within an inch of my life at the beginning. I know there are risks, and horror stories in relation to VBACs but I also know of those who have done this with great success. I felt torn the entire time. I prayed so much about this, praying that I would know what I should do. I did not want to be selfish in my choice, just to "say I did something" but also didn't want to go through another major surgery if I really was a good candidate. In most cases, the fear and or taking the "risk" or the "chance" is not usually the way I choose. I had decided at about 32 weeks, that I was going to go middle of the road. I felt confident after praying that I would do this: If I went into labor on my own and they thought I was a good candidate, I would then consider in that moment going for the VBAC but if I had not gone into labor, at 39 weeks, then Sept 14th was going to be her birthday and the C-section was scheduled.

So, being confident in this plan, after much prayer, going to he hospital because of what I was just told did not fit into my "thoughts and plans." We got to the hospital and I have to admit it felt weird. The waiting room was empty. I was considered a direct admit. I had no idea of the 5 MDs who was on call, but low and behold, my prayer was answered, it was in fact the Physician who delivered Eleanor and the one I prayed would be the one to deliver this baby. 


I got situated in the labor and delivery room, and it all just felt so surreal. It was happening so fast. No family/friends could come visit and prior to this, I have to say I feel the Lord really prepared me for this moment. The doctor came in, and asked me "so what are we doing? Are we going to VBAC this?" I felt nervous in this moment but asked him to look at the Ultrasound/and all that we had just been told and tell me what he thought was best. He went and reviewed everything, did a physical exam, I was 4 cm dilated at this point just coming in. In his words "Not to put pressure on you but it would be a shame not to try a VBAC." At that point, I felt like I needed to trust his wisdom and experience and I said okay. 

My nurse was amazing, and Andrew was so supportive. I got an epidural as the contractions got worse. I was only on low dose of Pitocin and by 4 hours in, I was 10 cm dilated. I pushed for 1 hr and 5 minutes, and she was here. Her birth literally could not have gone any smoother.

It was so surreal. Right before she came out, the nurse told me, "get ready Mom you're about to meet your baby." It didn't click until that moment that no one was taking her from me, like it was with Eleanor in a C-section, they were actually going to give her right to me. 
She came into this world quickly, and I am so incredibly thankful for the incredible doctor and nurses who took care of me to make this moment possible. This experience was a gift and the Lord was gracious giving me the desire of my heart. In every fine detail of this moment. As soon as she came out, I asked "is she okay?" and I was told "She's perfect." 

I think I was more concerned with how big she was and or how much she weighed because of all that took place. She must have been okay, because it was almost 2 hours before they measured and weighed her. 

6 lbs on the dot. 18.5 inches long, and a head full of dark hair. She was beautiful. She was healthy. She was here.


Yes, I did push this baby out with a mask on my face.



I'm not sure I ever sighed so big with a feeling of such relief to know she was safe, and here in one piece. This recovery was a breeze compared to my C-section. I was amazed that I could get up and walk a few hours later, and was capable of taking care of her much more easily then I was Eleanor. 

It was such a sweet/unique time at the hospital, just the three of us. Thanks to COVID there were some major disappointments along the way in some of our immediate family getting to meet her, but once again, God prepared and gave strength to get through these moments, where in my humanness, I did feel disappointed. 

We could not wait to be home for our family to feel complete. I dreamed of the moment Eleanor would meet her sister, and I have to say, the actual moment could not have been sweeter. 



Emilia Anne- 

Your life is a gift and you are precious. The timing of your birth, in the middle of a pandemic, with fear, chaos, and so much raging in the world around us, is a sweet reminder that God is always good. You came into this world tiny, but I have no doubt that the Lord has incredible plans for your life sweet girl and I can't wait to see the big things he does in and through you. Your sister adores you, and while there are times we already hear from her how she does not want to share her toys/room with you, she is the first to make sure that we are not leaving you anywhere and that you are always with us/her. I look forward to the day that I can share how God answered very specific prayers regarding your life/birth/entrance into the world. His protection and provision have been on your life from the start. 

We love you Emilia Anne and we cannot imagine our family without you.

His Provision

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

I have been preparing to write this for the past year.
I knew I would have a story to tell.

I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge the hesitancy in which I found myself 'trying' to trust this last year. Continually playing 'what ifs' and mapping out 'my plans' wondering just how all of this would fit on paper.

But that's just it, none of it fit on my paper. My checklist or budget.
Each time I think about how this piece will turn out, I'm not sure my words will do justice in expressing the journey, but I pray I can express, in raw words, all this past year was in trusting God for His provision.

I have previously written about our journey in Andrew getting into Nursing School. The closed doors that lead us here, and the truth, that this was not at all what I prayed would be the answer.

Truth is, he finished this accelerated nursing program 2 weeks ago, in the middle of a pandemic (more to come on these details in another blog), and is currently preparing to sit for his Boards. What a ride! It's crazy to think this thing is over. I think it's taken me some time to take all of it in, to look back, and honestly I'm just trying to grasp how much the Lord has provided for us over the past year.

Despite my fear. Despite my doubts. Despite my internal struggle and wrestling. 
I'd like to think that I just said I trusted Him at the beginning of this thing, and that each day I lived that out like I believed it. That's far from the truth.

Lets rewind a bit.
When Andrew got accepted into the Accelerated Nursing Program, we were told it was 1 year, and that classes were mainly online- taking up about 1 day weekly. We knew there would be times he would have to go in person to take tests, sometimes for lab days, and then clinical rotations, knowing at the end it may require more then one day a week, but to our understanding, it would mainly be one day weekly. He talked this over with his boss before starting the program and they agreed to this to help him further his education.

When we took out a loan for this program, we based our finances on him missing one day a week. 
Not ideal, but doable.

It wasn't long before he was into this program, sitting in the orientation, getting more information that we soon realized, one day a week was not the whole truth. There were multiple weeks he would be missing 2 days weekly. Going to Orlando for tests meant missing at least a half day of work sometimes 2 days. Getting a badge for each hospital clinical rotation- another half day or more missed. For the girl who budgets, and has things planned, this made me feel as though I was going to panic. And yet there was no way to know it all at this point. Each semester came with changes. Even changes at the last minute. (Did I mention I hate change?) His last semester- we found out he would only have 5 weeks to complete 12, 12 hour shifts with a preceptor whenever they worked.
I'm just trying to paint this picture the best I can for you to set the stage of the unknowns,  the changes, and the inability to control this situation. In some ways I felt that the information in his orientation was misleading.

I had even questioned in my own heart - Had we known all this prior to now, would we have stepped out in faith at God's open door? Would the fear of our financial situation have stopped us? I wrestled these thoughts. Not always, but often quietly, I spent hours worrying about this. 

Standing on the other side of this mountain, I can honestly say, this is not a journey I would choose if given the option, but what a lesson it has been for me.

I want to give some (just SOME) of the ways in which the Lord provided. There is no way other than His provision, that we have gotten through this past year like we have. I'm not sure from a financial standpoint, I have ever been in this position where relying on Him was not an option. Again not my choice, but oh what refining it has done in my heart.

Side note: we have tried to be diligent with our budgeting for about the last year and a half and specifically prior to starting this season of his schooling we knew we had to buckle down. We know how much comes in and where it needs to go in order for us to make ends meet.

Here are some practical ways in which the Lord provided. Ways that couldn't have been planned, known or in my budget. 

One Month, we were almost $300 short from being able to make ends meet. That week we got a card from someone who felt like they needed to give us $500. Not only did it cover what we were short, it helped set us up the next month to get ahead.

One week, I was trying to juggle money to find the best way to pay for what I needed to get Eleanor from the store- diapers, soap etc. I came across a gift card I forgot I had that had $50 on it, and it paid for what was needed.

Two times a year, we get paid 3 times in a month instead of two and this year, when it fell to be the third pay, it couldn't have come at a much more needed time. No way I would have known 6 months prior, all that we would need that week. But God did.

A friend who has knowledge with cars, was able to replace a fan in my car, not charging me a dime, when it would most likely cost me a few hundred dollars we didn't have.

Family members who have loved and supported us in this season, took the weight off of us in being generous in areas they never needed or had to to be. This was a lesson for my pride to say the least, but more and more I realized it was God in His provision. Showing me what it means to have to rely on Him. To get over myself, my pride, and my control. 

When our loan money ran out that we took out to help us get through this year of schooling- the extra that was left, that we used when short or needing to make ends meet, two day ays after this zeroed out  (I felt like I was in a panic at this point), we got back our tax return money.  To this day this was  most we had ever received in a tax return. This got us through the remainder of his schooling.

In recent days, I had been given $50 in a card back before January. I thought I had used this, but knew I didn't think I misplaced it, but kept wondering if I would ever come across this. I kept praying I didn't lose it. I finally gave up on finding it. Two weeks ago, while walking to my night stand to pick something up and leave, after just shelling out $800 unexpectedly on our car, the card and money I had been looking for, since before January, was sitting face up on my nightstand right there for me. There was the $50. While this didn't cover the $800 I reluctantly shelled out, it was a reminder that He's in control.

As I said there will be more to come on Andrews schooling journey and how this finished out, but the pandemic happening (long story short) came at a really brutal time in his schooling. He had just started his 120 clinical hours left in Orlando (remember the 12 hour shifts I mentioned in 5 weeks), He had 100 hours left,  and due to the pandemic and previous hours completed, the school made this assignment complete without having to do these hours. This saved hours, days off work, and gas to Orlando.

In the middle of all of this, Andrew's work hours got cut in half due to the pandemic. This was another time of trial for me, wrestling with how we would make ends meet as this almost felt like more pressure then his schooling. But God. Is all I can say.

Friends/Family have have stepped up to help us with Eleanor (and are still helping) so we can keep her safe, lessening our load financially in not paying for her school. This amount, made up for all not coming in like normal. I cannot thank my village enough for all the help during this time. 

I honestly feel like I could keep going with the fine details of just how God provided tangibly in the last year. For someone like me, who needs to 'see' it, this lesson has been changing my heart.
It wasn't just the support I needed from a spiritual or emotional support that things would be 'ok' it was God, in His Provision, tangibly and practically showing up. Monthly. Weekly. Daily. As we have completed this journey.

I said it at the beginning, I so wish I could say I just did this all with ease. That I took Him at His word, that I didn't question it, but I did. I wrestled. But in my wrestling He met me exactly where I was, proving over and over how faithful He is.

I could go on and on, and to be honest, this is longer then I imagined, but my heart is thankful. So thankful. That even in my prayers being answered the exact opposite of what I hoped and prayed, it was exactly what I needed. 

I am so happy, and excited for Andrew as he has completed such an incredible journey. Challenging on all sides- juggling full time work life, school, and life at home being both Husband/Dad, with a second little girl on the way. I so appreciate his work ethic. I appreciate his faith, and his unwavering spirit when it comes to trusting the Lord and His provision (something he does way better then I do). 
I am hopeful and excited to see what door the Lord opens next for him.

I pray, as I read back and look back on this experience, that I will be reminded of His continual provision and the way He showed me He had not forgotten me, each step of the way.



Missed Hope

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

I had planned on sharing this part of my story when I had the "happy ending" or when I knew that what I have been praying for is answered. But this is not the case.
My last post shared part of where I have been coming from, as this has been a long but good year for us. God has closed some doors, opened others, and has continued to sustain us in this season.
Expanding our family as I previously shared is something I have prayed about for months, knowing that in the right time, there would be peace in this decision and God's timing.

I'd like to preface all I share in my writings with this- I know that I cannot fathom some of the struggles my friends and some so close to me have experienced. Whether it's the struggle of infertility, loss, miscarriage, and so many other hard things that life brings at times, I would never pretend to understand something I have not gone through. I pray this writing in no way is a comparison to anyone or anything else, but simply and honestly to share part of my story.

While getting pregnant for Eleanor is for a different time, I will say there was no doubt she was part of God's plan for our family. When we decided to start trying to get pregnant, it was shortly after this we found out we would be having her. As a Nurse Practitioner, I know the statistics and realize, this was not necessarily considered the 'norm' so moving forward I did not have any expectation that we would get pregnant as easily for #2.

Last month came and went quickly. I felt nervous, hopeful, and honestly felt like this was a new experience for me. Waiting, counting down the days until I could take a  a pregnancy test praying I would see two pink lines.  A few days before my cycle, I decided to take a test. I thought I was crazy as I saw faint lines. I kept testing each day and at one point had a line that I felt was actually there enough to tell Andrew. It was not how I dreamed of telling him about baby #2, but I felt like my eyes were either seeing things, or this was actually it. I showed him the test, in real time he saw the line- and said yeah I see it. I hugged him and went into my bedroom and cried....no not bad tears, but happy tears. This was it! I couldn't believe I was going to get to do this again! I went and bought another set of tests including a digital test, and got Eleanor a "Best Sister" shirt and couldn't stop thinking about all the things ahead. I had to rush to small group, and while I did I stopped to do another test (yes, I was skeptical and couldn't believe it). My digital test, read no. I knew that these tests only work if HCG is detected at higher levels and so I felt kinda unnerved by this but still hopeful! The next day, I was scheduled to have a blood HCG test to confirm my pregnancy and that morning I got up to take another test, fully expecting the line to be darker. The line wasn't darker. In fact, I was squinting to see it. I went for my lab, internally wondering if everything was ok. This wasn't how it happened with Eleanor. That's all I had to compare this too. Fast forward a few hours. I got a call from my OB/GYN at work, and she called to tell me "Your HCG lab came back normal, your level is only 2." I was informed this was most likely a chemical pregnancy.  This reality was harder than I imagined. For two days, I had believed I was pregnant. I had started to think about what life was going to look like, and my heart hit the floor. I began to research more about chemical pregnancies, realizing how often this happens and just felt I truly couldn't believe this happened. I cried, talked through this, and just prayed that God would continue to help me in this journey and not to feel 'all or nothing' with this situation.

As I had some time to process this, I began to wonder moving forward what this would mean for me. Fear is something I struggle with to begin with and after this, my thoughts raced with things like "if i have a positive pregnancy test in the future, will I even believe it?" "Is this going to happen again?" "Will I ever get pregnant?" "Is something wrong with me?"

I processed this, cried when I needed to, but felt like I was hopeful to keep moving forward, trusting that God in His time had a plan for us.

A new month came. A fresh start. Praying that if it was in God's plan, this would be the month. I had calculated things like - "if I get pregnant this month, I'll be 12 weeks right around January first, and how cool it would be to announce it then."

The month was busy. Life is busy. It helped the time move faster.
This month, I decided after more research not to test so early.
I waited, I was proud of myself.
Day 29 came. I tested. I could not believe it! A faint faint line.
Due to last month, I decided this morning before work, to keep this to myself. I wanted to test again and make sure I saw this before telling Andrew. I didn't want anyone else to feel like what I did the previous month. For a few hours, this was something only I knew. I began to pray for this pregnancy. That this would be it. A healthy pregnancy. A sweet addition to our family. I even pleaded with the Lord to "protect this baby and please let me one day hold him/her."
I took another test when I got home. I saw the line again.
I knew I was going to wait longer to test with blood for HCG to make sure what happened the previous month might not happen again.
If my lines continued, and were getting darker, I would then go for blood work.
Friday morning came- another faint line.
Saturday- I struggled to see the line as well but still a faint line was visible.
Sunday- the line got darker.
Monday- the line was getting even darker and this was the day I went for blood work. HCG levels of 5 or higher are considered pregnant.  Waiting those few hours for the lab results to come back felt like an eternity. I got a call that my HCG was 6. I asked directly- Does this mean I'm pregnant or is this level a grey area?


I was told I was pregnant but that it was too early to tell more. A lab was requested two days later. I knew all about this- I did this with Eleanor.  A lab, two days later a repeat, and two days later one more- and after that...smooth sailing. This was gonna be it!

I was thrilled.

I even put the shirt on Eleanor the night I told Andrew and had her walk his Starbucks coffee to him in this shirt. She was going to be the BEST big sister.



It took forever to get to Wednesday, but it finally came. I got up early, went to quest, got my lab repeated. I got the results and when I opened them on my App, it read '8'. While the lab was increasing, something in my gut didn't feel right. I knew the lab was to at LEAST double for this to be considered a healthy and viable pregnancy. My mind began to think of the articles I've read about pregnancies where HCG levels do not double but yet resulted in normal pregnancies. Every pain, or twinge I felt in my body, I prayed was not something bad. My fear these two days felt crippling at times because of last month but this time, my lines were getting darker, I even had a positive digital test!

Wednesday afternoon came, as I was awaiting on a all from my provider to find out more about this result of 8, I started experiencing bad cramping and within minutes, I started bleeding. I knew what this meant. While I was at work, (thank God it was my lunch break), I sat in my office trying to figure out what to say, do or what to think. My provider called me, and as we discussed what the 8 meant, I told her what was happening. It was determined at this point that this was most likely a very very early miscarriage taking place, known as yet another chemical pregnancy, as it was so early, and  or the concern for an ectopic pregnancy based on my lab values was looming. I was told I needed to come in for more labs, a Rhogam shot, and that I had 72 hours to do this.

The next few hours felt like I was in a daze. I hadn't cried that hard in so long.
I literally couldn't believe this was happening again, and the fear of an ectopic and all that could mean for my physical health scared me.

I was thankful for the support I received during this time, but there wasn't much anyone could do or say to help me.
I made it to the doctor in about 2 days. I did more labs and thought I was just going in for a shot.

My friend graciously took Eleanor that afternoon so I could get there and back timely. I traveled to this appointment alone and thought nothing of it. When I got there, I was told I would be doing an ultrasound as well. I had done this plenty of times. Wasn't prepared for it, but I knew what to expect.
As I laid there on the table, alone in the room with the ultrasound tech, she asked me "is this your second pregnancy?" The reality of all that was taking place hit me so hard. I felt so empty. I wanted to cry. I wasn't quite sure what to say to this so I replied "yes, I think so, I have a 2 and a half year old little girl and my lab this week said I was pregnant."

As she got the images that she needed, again to verify that I was not having an ectopic pregnancy, I was reminded of something.
As alone, sad, scared, and devastated as I felt in that moment, the Lord reminded me of something I had told my Mom earlier in the week.

I'm going to rewind here.
In the week prior to this happening- prior to my blood test confirming pregnancy, I had three separate things happen to me.

A close friend/mentor of mine told me on Friday night as I shared last months struggle with her and my current situation that God had told her to put her hand my stomach the previous Wednesday after our bible study and to pray for God to bless my womb. She admitted that she didn't do this, out of fear that I would think she was crazy. Little did she know the journey I was on and where I had been the previous few weeks. That night she stopped what she was doing and prayed this over me. Deep in my heart I hoped and prayed this was confirmation that those lines I was seeing on the pregnancy test did in fact mean this was it. Baby Silvas #2.

That Saturday- the next day, I got a text from a dear friend and mentor of mine saying that they read an article, that they had been thinking of me and praying for my "present/future family." I felt encouraged by this and wondered again as I just said- that this was truly going to be it.

That same day,  Saturday, at a birthday party, someone that I do not consider very bold in asking things, asked me directly if I was pregnant, going on to tell me "for the last 3-4 weeks I don't know why but I have just thought that you are." I was taken back by this and again deep down hoping this was something pointing to the news I had been praying for.

All three of these things- in a 24 hour time period. This timing seemed interesting.

I had shared the news with my Mom over the weekend, prior to my blood work that Monday that confirmed I was pregnant. I also told her these three things and said to her- that while I hoped and prayed this was a sign and God confirming all I had been praying for, hoping for, and in praying against my fear that this was his way of comforting me, that I knew that even IF this wasn't it, that He loved me enough to bring people into my life to remind me that
I am seen.
I am heard.
I am not forgotten.

As I laid on that table in the ultrasound room, feeling so empty and broken, this is what came to mind, in my brokenness and my thoughts that it was not supposed to be this way.
I see you.
I hear you. 
And I have not forgotten about you.

I was thankful for no major findings of concern  on my testing but had to continue into the next week to get my blood work done to verify my levels returned to normal.

I always thought I would share this story when I had a happy ending to share.
With my pregnancy announcement.
With a picture of a sweet baby in my arms.

But I'm sharing this story, my story, while it's still real.
I completed my last lab today.

The sting of this loss, has taken me by surprise.
In my heart, I can't believe it, but the blood work confirmation and all this entailed felt so much worse than the previous months disappointment.
And as I said at the beginning, I cannot fathom some of the losses people I know have faced.

But my heart can now sympathize more with those who have lost.
For those in the waiting, in some ways, I get it.

I know the Lord is using this to shape me, and I pray that the brokenness in it all will someday be a beautiful piece of my story.

The hard part for me is the unknown. I'm fighting fear. Anxiety. What if's. Reliving all that happened, and wondering how I'll ever be excited moving forward because I'll feel skeptical that "its actually real" if I ever get to do it again.

My prayer is that in the waiting, that even if, that's right , even if, I never get to have another baby, that I will find my strength, my hope, and my confidence in Jesus.

Tonight, as I write this, I'm praying if someone needs to read this and know that they are not alone, that this will have been worth the risk of laying it all out there.
I pray that being real, and honest, brings healing into my own heart,  but most importantly moving forward, I pray that the rawness of this writing will always bring me back to the truth that God has been and will be faithful to me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I trust Him.





A Life Update

Sunday, July 14, 2019

January is the last time I've written. I'm not sure I even realized how long its been. I feel like before I know it I'm turning the page in my planner to the next months calendar and it just feels like it's flying.
How I have a two year old already is beyond me.

If I'm being truthful, deep down when I've wanted to sit and write, I'm just not sure the words have been there.  Truth would be for me to tell you that I thought I knew what I hoped I would be writing about, because in my mind I had it all planned out.

Last July, I wrote a blog about 'Praying Through' and my journey at that point in not having all the answers, my struggles and where my heart was.
Almost one year later, and I can honestly say the last year did not pan out as I would have thought or prayed in many ways.
And I still don't have all the answers I was praying about.
I will be honest to tell you I think some of the whispers of the enemy have kept me from getting on here to write and share.

Fears have crept in.
Lies have tried to take over the truth I know deep in my heart.
Satan's crafty hand has made me doubt the beauty in the waiting.
But God is Faithful.
and oh, how patient He is with me.

I'm not sure that its been until the last few months that I would say I've come to a place where I am thanking God for the doors He has closed.

When on paper, certain things have looked so appealing, like it would be 'just the answer we needed' or the 'job' that would make everything better, His plan is better than anything I thought would work.

It would take me too long to share over the last year  all thats happened in my life, and in my hearts process of hoping, dreaming, and then accepting what life has brought.

To simplify the last 12 months or so, I would say it goes something like this.
My husband, who is incredible at his job, great with people and truly has a gift when it comes to hands on- skills in the clinic and in the operating room, had been looking to further his career.
There's many ways he could do this with his Bachelor's degree, paramedic license, and experience in the operating room.

More than once, various opportunities presented themselves, with almost promising words, only to have the door shut. More than once.

A 'dream job' that was a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity that, many would kill for, came his way. And might I add, they sought him out on this one, making it that much harder, when this door closed.

While all of this is going on,  Andrew has been working full time, and at home, still continues to be husband and father, and taking a final pre-req that was needed to apply for a nursing program at a school in Orlando.
Juggling all of it without complaining.

I'm not sure nursing was the back up plan, but after time and prayer, and various conversations, this seemed like something to pursue, and while it took 2 full semester to finish the class, turn everything in, complete orientation and all that's required, an application was completed.

If you know anything about nursing school, it is no doubt competitive to get in.

Another time of waiting, and in this waiting period, all these doors I explained above, were shutting right and left. I must say, some not so hard, and others, felt like a slap in the face.

I have to tell you, as a spouse, loving my husband and knowing how incredible he would have been at any of these opportunities, I wrestled with God.
I feel bad for questioning all I did, but I'm human.
Why? What do you have for him? What are you doing? Are you even listening? Why would you let someone seek him out specifically for something that never comes along, and that door just shut. Do you even see Andrew? Do you hear me? When are you going to come through?

What I haven't told you yet is that deep down in my heart, my struggle has been so much bigger than a job, finances, and life just 'coming together.'

You see, I'm about to let you into some of the deepest things in my heart.
Part of my praying through a year ago, involved the expansion of our family.
Andrew, even before Eleanor, patiently let me get where I needed to be in so many ways before we added to our family. This was a process for me, that I have written about before.
I cannot imagine our life without her.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God's perfect timing, He chose her for us,  and the very day she would be born.

Those of you who know me, know that I am practical. In many ways to a fault.
I realize there will never be a 'perfect time', 'enough money', or a perfect scenario to have a baby. I have lived this now, and I hear it from everyone around me.
But in my heart, I want nothing more than the confidence to know we will be able to take care of and provide for all that God entrusts us with.
For me, it was getting to a place in my heart like I did, prior to have Eleanor ,where I felt peace about the decision to expand our family if God saw fit.
Maybe it shouldn't be a process, but for me, it had been, and was, but I had gotten there.
Months of prayer, writing on my own, asking God for His peace.
I got there.
Hopeful, excited, nervous about the unknowns in it all, but I had peace.
Finally feeling like I could say okay, this is it, trusting God that if He saw fit, He would bless us with another baby.

The closed doors.
The timing.
Confusion for me.
Hard conversations I dreaded.
Once again, God was faithful.


Not long after the door closed on the 'once in a lifetime' job, Andrew got an email that he got accepted into Valencia's Accelerated Nursing Program to become an RN.






God's open door.
It flung wide open.

I cannot tell you how proud I was/am of Andrew. I will have to write another time about this process, what it looks like, and specifically how God has provided for our every need during this season.
He started this program in May, and He will be finished this coming April.

While His closed doors were not easy to accept at the time, He had a plan for Andrew.
He's showing us daily, through His provision, that this is where He wants us.
While the no to what seemed to be the 'best thing'  was hard to accept. And at time confusing, it has now been made clear to us , that in all reality, the no, was God's way of protecting us.

We can see it for what it is.
I thank God for the closed doors, because what I thought was best, was not His best.

As far as my heart, and all I just shared, the open door for nursing school means, that sometimes the plan isn't a no, it just means wait.

The waiting.

He's changing me. He's creating a deeper/stronger faith within me.
I am living day to day, trusting God to provide for our every need and to meet us where we are.
I'm not sure I would ever choose to be here on my own because it feels so uncomfortable, but it's so good for me.

I don't know how it will all pan out,  but I know that God will be faithful.
It's taken me almost 6 months to be able to give voice to all of this.
Not just on paper, but even in my own mind.

As I sit here writing, I am overwhelmed at all the Lord's done in the last year.
I am so thankful for a husband who works hard to take care of us, sacrificing in many ways right now to get through school, while still working full time.
I am thankful that He follows the Lord's leading and guiding.
That he did not let the closed doors define him, but instead, trusted in God's plan, and His time.
I can't wait to continue to watch His plan unfold in my life and in our family.

"I can see the promise, I can see the future.
You're the God of seasons,  I'm just in the winter.
If all I know of harvest is that it's worth my patience.
Then if you're not done working, God I'm not done waiting.
You can see my promise, even in the winter.
Cause you're the God of greatness, even in the manger.
For all I know of seasons is that You take your time.
You could have saved us in a second, instead You sent a child."










Rest

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Since I've had Eleanor, I've learned more about the worst 'rest' than I think I ever wanted to.

I will say, prior to having her, I knew what it felt like to be tired, but I didn't realize just how much I took time for granted.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade having our sweet girl for the world, but it changes everything. 
Being a full time nurse practitioner, wife, mom, friend, and worship leader does not come without its challenges in balancing time. Can I get an amen from anyone? Sometimes it feels like a circus juggling it all.

My type A personality at times struggles to shut "off." 
I don't think even when given the time that I slow down easily, because if something isn't accomplished that day, or if I can not highlight anything off my list (anyone else feel amazing when they get to check the boxes or highlight things off the list?!) I often feel it is a wasted day, but that is far from the truth.

Eleanor has a way of bringing things into perspective for me. Simple things like going to the park, bring me back to reality to remind me what's truly important. It's amazing how playing blocks with an almost 2 year old for 20 minutes can change the way you see the world.

So for me, I'm learning that 'rest' doesn't always translate to 'sleep' although a good nap every once is awhile is always welcomed. Im finding that within myself I have to practice this as a discipline in order for me to be the best me. It's is very difficult for me mentally to shut my brain off from all the choices I make on a daily basis for patients, to stop thinking about all the things in my inbox that need to be signed off, or not to keep stressing about the mounds of laundry piled up at home waiting to be folded. 

So what am I learning?

I'm learning that there are more important things than a clean house.

I'm learning that the work will always be there, and as long as I'm doing my best each day, I have to leave it at that and trust God with the rest.

The screen in my hands what feels like constantly, can do more damage than good and sometimes I need to have enough self control to just put it down for awhile. (This one really hits home and I feel conviction even writing this one. I know I'm not alone.)

Being present with Eleanor during the time I do have with her, is the best thing I can give her. It never feels like enough, but when I have it, she deserves my undivided attention.

Sometimes, it is okay to go through an entire day without checking anything off the  to-do list. 

Sometimes you just have to be spontaneous and say "yes'' to things more than you say "no." 

Balance is everything. It is hard. Without God's help, I will never be able to do this well. 

Finding rest mentally is crucial for me. I have to consistently bring myself back to the truth of the scripture. Resting in Him, instead of constant worry/stress.

I am certainly a work in progress, and this is an ongoing lesson but I pray that each and everyday I am making strides to be more like Jesus in my mentality, and my ability to practice resting. To just 'be' as His words commands us to "Be still." 

I'm thankful today for a husband who knows how important this time is for me, and watches our sweet girl while I take a little time for myself. 

If this resonates with you, I'd love to hear from you. How do you rest? What habits or practices do you have that help you to do this better?



Praying Through

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

"The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16
I have been wrestling.
Wrestling with Direction. Desire. Selfishness. Fear. Worry. Control. The Unknown.

I wish I could say I have answers to these things, but at this point, I don't.
I am an open book with most things, but in recent days, I have been sorting through things in my own heart and life quietly. I think my fears speak louder than truth most days. 
I have felt challenged in my own life and in my quiet time with these words that will not leave my mind "Pray Through."

I've been thinking about what this means for me. 
It means, my prayer life needs work.
It means it's exactly what I should be doing with all these struggles I listed at the beginning of this.

It means praying until there is a breakthrough.
It means praying until there is an answer.
It means consistently, fervently praying until there is peace.
It means not giving up just because I don't have the answer today.
It means believing in God's faithfulness and His promises to me.
It means running to God first with the worry before going to someone else. 
It means spending uninterrupted, devoted time sharing my heart with the Lord. 
It means being honest about where I'm at, trusting that He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in me. 

I have been reading various scriptures in relation to prayer, and Luke 18 is a perfect example of Jesus teaching his disciples about prayer and never giving up. 

Luke 18:1 (the message) reads: 
18 Jesus told them a story showing that it was necessary for them to pray consistently and never quit.

It was never promised to me, or any of us, that life would be easy. In fact, the Word tells us that it is going to be hard. 
Honesty says there are times right now when I feel the answers aren't going to come, or maybe it won't be what I want it to be, but this is when I need to practice praying through.

One of my favorite verses is found in Philippians and it reads:

Philippians 4:6-7 The Message (MSG)

6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
While I can quote most of these scriptures, and have heard them over and over, sometimes I'm not sure its truth is as deeply embedded in my heart as it should be. I wish I could share and give voice to all it is that I am sorting through in my heart and mind right now, and maybe in time I will be able to. I do hope in time, that I will be able to share just how God answered these prayers. 

I usually write/post something when I have the whole picture to bring forward. Today is not that day. I felt there might be someone that needed to read this, and maybe if its you, just know- that if your searching, wrestling, or waiting on an answer. You're not alone.  Maybe you feel like your prayers are hitting the ceiling, or maybe you wonder if God even hears you when you cry to Him with your deepest desires, just know He is listening. And He hears you. 

I know my prayer life can use some work. 
I am practicing praying through. 
I hope this continues to change me in the waiting.
It is never an easy place to be, but there is beauty in this process.
I know and believe He hears me, my questions, my fears, and my desires. I am trusting that in His perfect time, He will answer.


If I can pray for/along side you in something, I would be honored to.
If you find yourself in the waiting, you're not alone.


The Process

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Somedays I feel like I will never be done learning this lesson.
A lesson that comes for a Type A personality like me with dread at times, dragging my feet in the mud, and praying change away constantly. 

Its a process.
For someone like me, I function best when things are black and white. Where there is a start date and a stop date. Where it fits exactly into my planner with a check box beside it that I can mark out when its completed. No surprises. Where preparation is welcomed and even appreciated. 
However, I am learning more and more that as much as I wish it was like this, life, and this journey, is about as far from that as possible.
Sure, I do believe strongly that we have to do our part in the areas where it requires planning, being organized, doing our part to be responsible and to be good stewards of all God has given us, but life, and each season that I find myself in, is exactly what I said. 

It's a process.

It was said in a recent sermon:
"Any area of our life where we struggle to control a situation, reveals and identifies a problem in our spiritual walk." It was also said that many times for people who struggle to constantly control, their lives can usually be summed up by one word: FEAR.
(If you want to hear the whole sermon- check out this link- Sermon- Surrender over Control.)

I have to be honest. Hearing this, made me say ouch just a bit, and I thought- I don't really try to control that much do I?

I can't say that specific things came to mind directly that I feel I try to control, but I feel I was made aware of fears I am currently wrestling with and what the root issue truly is. And if I'm being honest, it's lack of trust that God will take care of and provide for us. 
But- I have no reason to fear this. 
He's never let us go without before.
So why do I struggle so much?

Back to the process. I'm beginning to accept that maybe this isn't something I'm just going to accomplish and move on to the next challenge, but instead its something that has to be a daily choice for me. A choice to choose trust over fear. A choice to choose prayer over worry. A choice to choose bringing my concerns to Him first instead of texting anyone else. A choice to remember His faithfulness.

This season is truly one of the sweetest I've ever experienced. Eleanor has brought us so much joy and this stage in her life is so much fun. It comes with its own challenges, but watching her grow and learn daily, is such a blessing. But again, honesty would be to tell you that we are praying through and praying for things in our family, seeking the Lord's direction and guidance. Life has presented closed doors, disappointments, and the realization that some things may not be happening in our time frame. I have in my own heart been wrestling with some really big decisions, but in it all I'm reminded that its a process. That maybe it's okay to not have all the answers. Maybe I don't have to have it all figured out. Maybe its okay that I've felt the disappointment, the hurt, and even at times the fear of whats ahead, because in it, it draws me closer to the one who is in control. 

Its in the process that I'm finding my heart and my mind are being challenged. Do I trust? What are my motives? What does the Lord want for me, for us? Am I listening?

I'm choosing tonight, to trust. That His plan and His timing are perfect. That He will in His time answer my prayers. And however He chooses to answer, He is good.


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