I've struggled to write this blog. 
I've been wrestling with the Lord over this.
My pride doesn't want me to be honest, and my heart knows that once I am honest, I am now responsible even more for all that I share.

Time to be honest.
There is something I struggle with. (one of many things)
But it's something I don't share with many people. 
It's consuming to me at times.
What is it?

Taking care of myself.
What do I mean?
Eating, drinking water, being mindful of everyday necessities like these.
Simple right?
This is what I do for a living. I'm a nurse. 
Not for me.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to you. I think it sounds crazy saying it out loud.

My past involved a time where Satan's hold in my life involved my self-image and the lies gripped my mind and had me believing that I was not beautiful, that I was overweight, and this lead me down a path I never want to take again.

While I overcame those struggles a few years ago and I am happy to share that Satan no longer has a hold on me and the things I used to do that were unhealthy, The lord has revealed to me in the last several weeks some very important things.

While I by no means think that I am overweight or anything like that, I often times find myself not eating, eating a few bites of food here and there, other times cleaning my plate 'if' I'm hungry, but there is no consistency in my life with food.
Water. Well we're becoming better friends these days, but I can count days where I go without drinking hardly anything all day long. 
Terrible right?

While I have lost weight since I played sports at the beginning of college and I know that my body has a faster metabolism than most people, after weighing myself a few weeks ago, I in my own heart broke down as I was shocked to see that I weighed 99 pounds.
This number gripped me.
While it isn't about the number, it's about a much deeper problem.

I spent time in Nashville and had the opportunity to see my counselor Alissa, I began to share with her about how I felt when I saw this number. How people asking "are you sick? how much do you weigh?- how all these comments I feel like rip me to pieces every time. 
I opened my heart for the first time to be able to say out loud 
"I don't take care of myself and I don't know why. It doesn't make sense, I take care of everyone else for a living." 
There was freedom in acknowledging this. 
As we talked about all that this involved, she encouraged me to have a 'plan' and to stick with it just as I do every other routine thing in my life. That it's important to take care of myself so I can do what I need to and be all that I need to be.

As I left Nashville, coming back home to my busy work life and school, it would be easy to fall back into my routine (or lack there of) and never really get out of this cycle that may lead down a road I don't want to be on.

One afternoon when I was by myself I began to pray.
It sounds silly I'm sure, but I began to pray that the Lord would make eating important to me.
That taking care of myself would begin to matter to me.

He brought me back in my mind to a place I found myself in almost a year ago.
In an ER room over something physical that never should have happened.
I didn't even realize that my problem went all the way back to this time.
Lack of taking care of myself, had me in the hospital to get help. 

I'm a nurse. I know all of the basic self- care things and the consequences if they don't happen.
Why does none of this matter?
Why haven't I cared?
Why did it not matter that my Mom, Andrew, and my friends would worry about me but I never worried about me?

Hear this friends.
I never wanted this to be a spiritual issue.
But it is.
I didn't see a problem with what I have been doing.
The Lord got a hold of me that day.
Like the light-bulb went on.

This is a spiritual issue and it is interrelated with everything else going on in my heart and life.
We often times view sin as not doing things like drugs and drinking because it is harmful to our bodies, but why did I never think that not eating and drinking how I should was a sin?

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God. You are not your own, you were bought at a price
Therefore, honor God with your body."

I Corinthians 6:19-20

Reading this has never been more alive to me than it is now.
I am a steward of the body I was given and I have to take care of myself.
This isn't optional.
I was bought at a price. 

I wish I could say that believing this makes things easy.
That all of a sudden everything and all my habits changed.
This isn't the case.
Everyday, I have to be intentional.
It involves eating when I don't want to.
Drinking water when it's the last thing I want to do.
Being held accountable.
Praying for strength and for God to change the way I see this issue and myself.

I'm not sure where you find yourself after reading this.
I hope not confused or thinking I'm crazy. (ha)

If I could share anything I guess I want you to hear this.
The way we take care of ourselves, specifically our physical health is a spiritual issue.
Maybe you don't like eating at all, or you do harmful things to your body to get rid of food because the number on the scale is all consuming for you and makes you do things you don't want. Maybe you find yourself overeating to make life better. It's how you cope.  Maybe its so out of control you don't even know where to start.

The way we take care of ourselves, and the things we consume or don't consume is important to the God of the universe who not only created us each uniquely, but bought us at a price.
We are commanded to honor God with our bodies.

Maybe like me, this is one of the hardest things for you and you aren't even sure if it can change.

Ask God to help you.
To change the way you see yourself.
To make caring for yourself important.
To change your heart.
After all, that is where this issue really stems from.

I'm not sure who this was written for, maybe it was just for me to be bold in unveiling truth in my own life, but I'm praying for each person who reads this. May the God who created you and loves you show you how important you are in His eyes.



4 Comments

  1. You're singing my song, Bethany. Our stories are different, but what an insight you have to see the way we treat this body as a measurement of how seriously we take God's mandate that we are actually carrying the temple of God around . . . in the form of our bodies. I heard someone write the other day - it might have been Tozer - that our bodies are our "fleshly servants" while our souls are here on Earth. Hmmmm.... truly made me stop and think when I considered what that meant.

    Thank you for your honesty. You're not crazy. We're all struggling with something. I love you. God is able.

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  2. AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN!!! I love reading your thoughts!! You have a way of revealing what is truth and what we should hear and see... and sometimes speaking what my mind thinks too! I love you Bethany! Thank you again for sharing your revelations! You are such a loving child of God!

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  3. Thank you for your honesty, and sharing. This can change young ladies' lives.

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  4. This blog was written for me. I found myself, just earlier tonight, comparing myself to smaller women and thinking that I was worthless because I wasn't a smaller number.

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