Maybe, Just Maybe

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Most times I find myself wanting to speed up time or to rewind and relive some of my favorite moments.
It's rare that I find myself content right where I'm at.
I'm a planner. Thinking ahead is what I do.
However, I've been convicted in my own heart about this issue.
It's much bigger than just my planning & mindset.
Let me try to explain my heart.

A transition period is what I feel like I am living in.
However this transition period as far as I know isn't a short time.
Taking on the challenge of graduate school has me planted here for the next 3 years working to make money and gain experience, while I am working on my Masters.
Super blessed with this opportunity, yet anxious to finish so I can get where in my mind "I want to be." 

At times I feel like I don't belong anywhere. 
My nitch doesn't exist right now.
I feel like I'm fumbling around to find my footing in the things I do daily as it is all new.
Time supposedly is my best friend.

I however wrestle with time quite often.
I never win though.
My questions of when is this gonna happen? What will this turn out to be like? When will I know? 
These questions I play over and over in my head.

Maybe I'm scared. Maybe the unknown doesn't feel safe.
Maybe satan knows this is how to get me everytime.
I've never been a risk taker.
But maybe, just maybe, this is the time I've been waiting for.

This week the Lord has been speaking to me through various ways.
Sunday morning I was reminded that in trusting that God has a plan for me, it means to walk each day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Even when the destination is uncertain, it's simply one step at a time, trusting, each day.
I fight this so much.  It goes against every part of my nature.

Tonight I was spending some quiet time and out of the blue lyrics to a song I haven't heard in literally years started playing through my head. I looked up the song and just listened.
A gentle whisper said quietly to me: I've been preparing you for this time, right now. 

"For such a time as this isn't it much to great a risk? I've never flown from the edge of a cliff, never walked on the water. What if I turn away, how will I know what I have missed? Have I waited all of my life for such a time as this? " 

Maybe I have waited all my life for this time.
Maybe everything-  every mistake, hurt, wrong turn, great decision, relationship, life changing event, countless amounts of tears, unbelievable victories, hours of counseling, everything that's been a part of my life up until this point was preparing me for this very moment.

So I'm praying. Seeking contentment & peace during this time.
and Yet never to become complacent. 

Truth is, maybe the fear of what God wants to do with me during this time has kept me from wanting to live in the moment but instead speed ahead or go back. 
Maybe I've been to busy to really see all that God has put right in front of me. 

I certainly don't have it all together.
But in the last two weeks of being real with God about exactly where I'm at
I'm finding more of the pieces are coming together than ever before.

I'm being refined. 
While it hurts, I'm thankful.

His timing is perfect.
This is exactly where I need to be.
And Maybe, just Maybe, this is what I've been waiting for.

"Sometimes the thrill of soaring 
has to begin with the fear of falling "

Time for an Update

Thursday, September 13, 2012

It certainly has been awhile. 
My life that was somewhat slow, waiting for what was next is now in full speed, going 100 miles an hour it seems.
Not being in college/ that life style is still somewhat of an adjustment but I've made it to
the real world. 
I guess that's what they call it.

My life these days consists of scrubs, packed lunches and dinners, my nursing drug book, coffee (more coffee than I've ever had in my lifetime), naps, &  graduate homework.

I've waited awhile to see the letters RN beside my name and it's finally here.
It's somewhat surreal. This is my last week of orientation and my first day on the floor by myself is next Friday. It's been quite an adventure to say the least.
A bit overwhelming at times, and lots to learn but at the same time exciting to think I'm ready for the responsibility and ready to gain confidence in my skills as I continue learning and practicing what I was taught in school.

I have never been more thankful for my education at Trevecca/Belmont as I have been in the past month with both work and graduate school.
 So thankful that God lead me there.

School is slowly coming along. My first test and paper are in the next two weeks so after that it may be a different story. ha. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to continue on with school. 

I feel tired most of the time right now, but its all new and I'm trying to take life a day at a time. 

A little deeper.

In the last few weeks, the Lord's been doing several things in my heart. 
A few weeks ago a sermon was preached about comparing our lives to other.
Of course I'm guilty
who isn't?
Little did I realize what comparing myself to others does in my life & heart. 
The Holy Spirit quickly pointed out certain areas of my life where I have been comparing myself. 
It has made me bitter, resentful, and truly has made me miss everything that I have right in front of me to be thankful for.

While it's a daily struggle, I am trying to stop comparing myself to other people, with what they may have, how they do things, the places they are at in life etc. so that I can focus on what God is doing in my life and to be thankful for all He has given me and to trust in His timing for each thing ahead of me. 

In the midst of the chaos in my life right now, I this last week have really come to grips with the fact that if I am not completely immersed in all that God has for me, I will never be satisfied. 

My prayer for this week ahead is for peace in all the newness and strength to get through each day (prayers for my first day on the floor alone would be appreciated!) I am also praying for contentment for the place I find myself. I want to be thankful each day for all that I have been given. And finally my prayer is that I will not miss sight of the most important things in my life.

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