If My Heart Could Talk

Saturday, June 23, 2012

If my heart could talk right now, it might begin with silence
This isn't how I normally feel but right now that's going to have to be okay.
Words don't seem to do justice. Sometimes "I don't know" has to be okay.
 If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that it feels torn.
I'm excited for things ahead and thankful for the opportunities I've been given the past 5 years but it would also tell you how deep it hurts to have to say good-bye to some of the best moments of my life.
If my heart could talk to you right now, it would sigh and say, wow some of this situation has turned out way better than I ever thought it would. I worried a lot for nothing. Actually God taught me a lot through it. There was purpose in everything that happened.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that its feels disappointed and discouraged. While I know patience is the key, it doesn't change the fact that the one thing I didn't worry about in coming home seems to be my biggest hurdle. It seemed as though getting a nursing job was going to be the easiest thing on my list after I got my license. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that rejection never feels good and 3 jobs who turned me down yesterday reminded me that while it only takes one "yes", a no is always a blow to the ego.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how different it is to be back living where you haven't been for 5 years. Life definitely went on when I left, just as I have changed, but it will be an adjustment to find my routine here.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how thankful I am that my parents are being understanding and supportive during this time of change. I never would want them to think that I am ungrateful cause the truth is I'm blessed for this chance to get on my feet.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that I miss traveling with some of my favorite friends. I often took leading worship and traveling on PR for granted and I find myself missing it often these days.
If my heart could talk right now it might explain the way that its felt extremely vulnerable lately, as change tends to be just the trigger for me. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how happy I am to have Andrew in Florida with me and although we are both going through some major adjustments, this is the best choice for us right now and we look forward to what's ahead. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how many times it thinks back to every door God has opened. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you about the desperate prayers that have been coming from the very core of who I am. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that while I know the truth that in time all of this will come together, it would also explain to you that its still a part of my humanness and for the moments that I deal with the raw emotions, all I can do is ask the Lord to be close to me.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that today "asking big" for me meant asking the Lord to send me a love letter specifically for me to encourage me. I'm anxiously waiting.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you of the scriptures that are hidden deep inside that are brought to mind quite often these days.
If my heart could talk right now, it would ask you to pray for me, but to also let you know that I hope none of it was taken as me complaining, bu seen as the real, raw feelings that I have been experiencing this week. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that it's thankful for a God who's love is bigger than anything else we can comprehend and this is what I am clinging to.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that it's trusting in it's Creator and resting in the promise that He holds every part of my world in the palm of His hands. 

Standing Still

Monday, June 11, 2012

Whenever things get scary or in a place of uncertainty, my natural reaction is to run.
It's easier for me to deal with things if I can just run away. 
Fight or Flight- I'll run every time.
If it doesn't feel safe, I don't want any part in it.
This isn't courageous by any means. 
While physically I haven't been running from things, I have realized that in the last 6 months the Lord has been teaching me a lesson that is one in all honesty I would have rather just run from. 

There have been times where I have played the 'what if' game till I can't think anymore.
I have worried about more than anyone can probably come up with.
I have played worst case scenarios in my head.
I have chosen not to trust in the things I do know at times.
I have questioned God's plans.
I have wanted to run.
To just rush ahead & be at the next place I'm supposed to be.

As much as I fought this.
Waiting is exactly what the Lord had in mind for me.
To sit back. To be out of control. To learn patience. 
To take my humanness and show me just how out of control I really am.
To  just in time prove how big He really is.

While I still don't have all the answers and I am a week away from moving back home, and I still have no idea where I'm going to get a job as many doors have shut, waiting on the Lord is a little bit easier for me at this point than it was for me 6 months ago.

As I write this now, I can't keep from tearing up thinking about just how well God has placed the puzzle pieces together. 
All along, he knew every desire that I had and have.
He has shown me that He loves me even through the smallest of details.

This has not been a fun lesson to learn.
I actually felt like I was being drug through the mud the entire time. 
I learned about myself, and the reality of what completely trusting the Lord means.
While I am sure there will be many more opportunities to practice what I have learned,
I realize now more than ever that it isn't so much about saying that you trust the Lord one time
but instead to daily share your heart knowing full well that the Lord truly does have your best interest in mind. 
If you live like you believe it, it changes things. 

It has been quite an incredible journey the last year, and as there are many "lasts" for me this week, there are also new beginnings ahead of me. For every unknown, I  will remember just who has been with me this entire time. 

In my own way I feel like I am standing still this week.
I am internally preparing for what's ahead.
Even in the midst of the hurt and the unknowns I feel right now
I am confident in the faithful God that will be walking with me the entire time.

"Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say, 
never once did we ever walk alone. Carried by Your constant grace, held within 
Your perfect peace, never once did we ever walk alone.
 Never once did we ever walk alone, Never once did you leave us on our own.
 You are faithful, God You are faithful." 
(Never Once- Matt Redman)

A Little Life Update

Saturday, June 2, 2012

It sure has been awhile! 
I've missed writing, I feel like so much has happened, and it'z crazy how time is flying! 
This beautiful Saturday morning I find myself in Franklin at a cute bakery that has become one of my favorite places. I'm a bit upset that I haven't found this place till now, but for the next three weeks I will cherish it's uniqueness and the wonderful tea and pastries.

So I finished up my last week at home by having a simple knee surgery, enjoyed laying around, and packed my things to come back to Nashville for the last time (as far as living there is concerned of course). Everything went well and I am about two weeks out and anxious to get back into everything and feel better than I have in awhile. My room mate moved out officially and began her summer journey in New Mexico so the fact that everything for this season is coming to an end has become all the more real. 

Since I've been back in Nashville it has been anything but routine, but I have enjoyed it.
My life has consisted of studying for the NCLEX which I take in two weeks (for those of you who don't know this is a test, a horrible one might I add, that is the board certification to become a Registered Nurse), late nights with friends playing (well watching for me) volleyball, laying out at the pull, trips to waffle house, a trip to the Nashville Symphony, fishing, time with Andrew, and I'm slowly but surely preparing myself to start packing. 

I guess I would say that I am continually amazed at how God is placing each piece of the puzzle together in His. All of the fears and worries that I had He has slowly put each one at ease and continues to show me that He is in everything that's ahead of me. 

I am soaking in the sun, trying to do my best to study even though my motivation feels like its on E, and truly taking in every moment of life right now. 

I am thankful for these few weeks to be here and I am thanking God for the beauty in each moment. 

"There is a time for everything..."
Ecclesiastes 3 

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