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Refiner's Fire

Saturday, May 25, 2013

I wish I was writing this blog from a place of contentment, peace, and a feeling of victory.
I write this heavy-hearted, convicted, weary, and as honest as I can be right now.
I pray in days to come, I can share more of the details but for now, this is where I'm at.

In my heart, I have had to own feelings of anger, bitterness, jealousy, discontent, anxiousness, and feelings that have just truly changed me.
Not in a good way.

Time has allowed me to step back and see it for what it is.
In love, being confronted, pointing out a change of my heart from joy to one of almost anger is not one that is easily accepted, but needed.

So what does that mean for me?
It means tonight I find myself, on my knees before the Lord.
Owning my hurt and the true feelings in my heart that I haven't allowed myself to admit.
Sharing my deepest secrets and desires. Opening myself to the deepest places of my heart.
Asking for forgiveness for the motives, attitudes, and envy within myself.

Accepting full responsibility of my actions and thoughts.
Releasing to the Lord all of my unmet expectations and the places where I find it hard to just be still.

I wish I knew how all of it would get better.
How it will all go away and change.
How I will be filled with the fruits of the Spirit instead of discontent, jealousy, weariness, bitterness, impatience, and all the other things I have been experiencing. 

I don't know much but I do know this.
I have asked the Lord to meet me exactly where I am.
In the ugliness, the shame of every place I find myself in currently and just be here.
I've asked Him to refine me. 
To be honest, this is one of the hardest prayers to pray. 
It hurts.

I have also asked him to be enough for me today.
And I will continue to pray this everyday.

That I will find my total and complete contentment and peace in Him.
Regardless of everything in and around me.

I have no control of my circumstances but I do have the promise of a loving Heavenly Father to be all that I need.
That I do know. 
And tonight that is enough.

This was not an easy blog to post.
It is raw, ugly, and real.
I am posting this because I am thanking God in advance for what He is going to do and I want to look back and see where He brought me from.

"Do you see what I've done? I've refined you, but not without fire. 

I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

1 comment:

  1. He does not ask us to be be perfect; totally the opposite. He loves and forgives us; 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
    New International Version (NIV)
    9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete

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