in need of a Savior

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

in recent days I have come to understand more about my heart.
sometimes this can be a good thing, and other times the realization of truth can hurt so bad.
i'm realizing with each passing day, that the process of refinement may not be glorious or pleasant,
but the fruit that is produced and the character that is being shaped is worth it.

i've also been praying for perspective. 
perspective that allows me to take a look at my life the way God sees it. 

in the midst of this current place in life, filled with business, constant coming and going, inconsistent schedules, and all the changes that life continues to bring, I realize my lack of control, my inability to express the depths of my heart,  my desire to be known and understood, and my desperate need for  a Savior. 

while i feel uncertainty in plans for the future and all that it entails, weariness in playing the what if game and comparison game, automated answers when asked the same questions over and over, I have found a new confidence.

a confidence i haven't had in awhile.

 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:15-16

my dear friend reminded me of this verse this week. 
and oh how it spoke to my heart.

regardless of circumstances, unknowns, questions, mundane day to day things, excitement of new opportunities, and the hard work it takes to get to the next place, i have gained a confidence in bringing my heart, my needs, my hurts, my desires, my praise, my secrets, and my hopes, before the throne.

each and every time without fail, my Savior meets me here.

my desire to be known is filled.
my longing to be understood is satisfied.

it's pretty cool to look back and see His faithfulness in a different light.
He's been showing me His faithfulness up to this point but also showing me the importance of a foundation.
what do i mean?

while this time in my life feels like one where I just come and go with school, work, and maintaining relationships, it can often feel like I am at a standstill, when in actuality, there is a purpose and reason for this time.  I am building a foundation in certain areas, building on foundations already established, and in the long run the strength and the solid ground i pray to have in my life with my work, my relationships, and my future home and all that it entails, is being established and built upon even now.

in the midst of my impatience, it is my prayer that the Lord would remind me of all that I hope for ahead, and that the foundation is the most important part. 

i know that some of the best things in life come from hard work, endurance, patience, and waiting.
i know that for all my heart longs for, and all that i am working towards, it will be just that. 

i'm thankful today for my Savior. 
for his ability to understand me because He's been where I'm at.
 He also knows what is best for me and in His time He will bring it all to fruition.

in the midst of it all, He gives me just what I need to keep going.
one day at a time.

even now

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

lately it seems as though I'm at a standstill.
while my schedule is 100 miles an hour, certain parts of my life and heart feel that they are at a place of no movement. 
sometimes i find myself watching other people moving into different phases of life and i recognize in my heart the desires I have and then the realization that i am exactly where i need to be.

i'm thankful feelings aren't facts.
feelings can be misleading.
they are hard to deal with sometimes.

in recent days, i have recognized my desire for instant gratification and the way i feel when i haven't been getting it in certain areas of my life.
accepting that school is still 3 years from being over is hard to swallow at times, but i keep reminding myself of the journey nursing school was, how fast it went by, and the joy that came in finishing something that took so long to complete.
i also know that instant gratification isn't the answer to the things i feel or the thing that will bring contentment and peace into my life.

i have had to surrender daily my desire for instant gratification.
admitting and owning where i am at.
giving up my desire and need for 'thank you's, recognition of my hard work, and ultimately my plans 
but also asking God to help me see my life and where I am through his eyes.

it's amazing how His perspective of my life and who I am can change everything.
i've had to own where i'm at.
owning and agreeing with Jesus's assessment of my heart and life.
and honest would tell you i have feelings and issues in my heart that are wrong.

being honest would mean i'm not completely sure how to let go and get rid of some of them.
and honesty in my prayer life even when its ugly is how i pray daily right now.

through all of it, even in the midst of my wrong, He is showing me things.
about myself. about my heart. about my desires. about my need for Him.
He is also showing me that His plan for my life, is a plan designed just for me.
everything that I need. everything that He created for me, in His timing.

so for the moments I compare my life to other people around me, I'm missing the joy of His plan for me.

It may appear as though I have this lesson learned, and am bringing it out after it's been learned when reality is, i write this with a heavy heart, with teary eyes, a lump in my throat, with hurts no one knows about, and with thoughts that i'd be ashamed for anyone else to see.

but even now, in the midst of my searching, in the times where the Lord is refining my heart,
it hurts so bad, there's nothing easy about it, He is revealing his plan for my life piece by piece.
even though I feel like I'm at a standstill, He is doing something deep down in my heart in this time of my life.

as much as I'd like to just move past this place that I'm in currently, I need to be here.
God is here. He is working.

a day to celebrate

Sunday, February 17, 2013

there's no one else in the world who compares to my mom.
there just isn't.
something about needing a mom seems to be at the core of who we are, even when we are grown.
no one can make things better like mom can and no one understands or loves you quite like your mother.

I have been blessed with an incredible mom.
it's neat how over time we have become friends instead of just family.
I love and appreciate her so much and pray that someday I am half the mom she is to me.

Today was her birthday.
Yesterday, I planned a day for us.
We went out and got  coffee and donuts.
 Enjoyed a massage at the Disney resort together.

Made our way to lunch on the River with her best friend.

& ended the day with pedicures and a trip to target.
We had dinner with some of her closest friends and what a day it was.
It was nice to slow down for a few hours and share this time with her.
She certainly deserves so much more.

Happy Birthday Mom!


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

With little to no time in our busy schedules, I asked Andrew if I could steal his time for a few hours Monday night. 
I wanted to do something for him for Valentine's Day since I have school and He works this day, and even though it was rushed to put it together, 
we had a wonderful night.

We began the night with an amazing dinner on the beach at the Citrus Grillhouse.
The buttered fries were phenomenal.
Isn't he handsome?

I gave Andrew a note before each thing that was coming next.

We then got coffee and made our way over to the boardwalk.
The ocean breeze and the fresh air was simply amazing.
It's been awhile since we've been to the beach and just a few minutes of being there was something we've missed.

Our next adventure took us to Walmart to get whatever movie he wanted. He only had one decision to make and it was enough . He loves movies so making a quick decision was hard. 

We made our way back to the house where I had some of his favorite snacks waiting for him.

We enjoyed a quiet evening and finally a chance to just sit down and watch a movie.

My favorite thing I did for him was making him a mason jar full of 100 reasons why I love him.
Coming up with 100 reasons wasn't hard at all.
And I cried with each one He read.

I feel blessed that I can whole heartedly say this to Him. 

It sounds silly I guess, but I realized after I put it all together how happy I truly am that I can say and mean from the bottom of my heart all those things and so much more.

Tonight was a few hours that I got to celebrate the guy who I love so dearly.
God has been so good to me.
I can't imagine my life without my best friend and although I have never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day, celebrating Andrew tonight brought me more joy than I can explain.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!!!


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus Christ involves letting go of your life long dreams and the future you have pictured for yourself, and opening your heart and mind to receive what is best and far beyond all you envisioned your life to be. 

Maybe the journey to get there will cloud your view, knowing full well that the storms will come. The long road in the desert may seem to be the driest place you've ever experienced, and the end to this season of my life is no where in sight, but the promise of a hope and a future with a God who finishes each and everything He starts is lying just ahead of you.

Don't for a second think that those dreams and desires of your heart were just a random thought you had. They were instilled within your being by the Creator of the universe and He wants nothing more than to bring each and every one of those dreams and desires to completion.

You see, joy is found not in the circumstances surrounding the journey, or simply in the happy times along the way, but instead is truest in the darkest nights...There is a gentle hand that is faithful to lead and guide, never wavering based on emotion, but consistently pursuing, loving, and giving grace. Not all at one time, but just enough for each day.

But this isn't how we normally function is it? Day by day. Moment by moment. Giving up control. Waiting. 
Surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus Christ means daily giving up all you had planned and opening your agenda to His plans. Being willing to wait on His timing.
Trusting even when you don't know where He will lead you next.

The beauty of surrender isn't a quick fix, or a guarantee that life won't get hard. It doesn't give life long answers to your unfinished agenda. Patience and waiting on the Lord may become harder than you ever imagined. Maybe your  prayers become less about words and more about silence because you have nothing left in your weary heart to say. Words don't do your feelings justice.
But at the end of the day, the internal struggle, the relentless questions on your heart and mind are a battle that is ended when surrender takes place. The fight is over. 

Peace displaces worry.
 No matter the situation.

His grace becomes enough to keep you walking each day even in the midst of the darkest hour of your life. 
It's the strength that comes when you have nothing left. 
It's the power of redemption for all the things that are shattered and broken. 
It's healing power for those who are broken, with a Father who delights in the journey to wholeness. 
The power of His love captivates and pursues hearts, filling every void. No human love or earthly thing can even compare to His love.

A simple question is being asked.

 Why settle for good when the best is being offered?

Surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus Christ goes against everything about our human nature but offers us the ability to experience fulfillment and contentment in the deepest part of our being. It brings peace into the most troubled entities of our lives. It creates beauty in things that are broken and scarred. Freedom is ours. Surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus Christ changes our perspective of the way we see the world and ourselves. It finds joy and the fullness of God no matter our circumstances. 

It's a risk to let go. It's a challenge to leave control there and to not pick it back up.
It's a chance to willingly receive only God's best.

 but you must first be willing to let go. 

Are you? 

"I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the fullest."
John 10:10

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