What A Difference A Year Makes

Saturday, December 24, 2016

"Shining Light"
April 2017

Dear Baby S

Sunday, October 23, 2016

I have been writing and journaling so I can remember the tiny details of this incredible journey. I wrote this long before we told anyone about our pregnancy. There will be letters to come. We feel so blessed.

Dear Baby S, August 4, 2016, is a day that will always hold a special place in my heart. You see, on this morning before work, this is when I found out about you, and I have to say I didn’t quite believe it. On my lunch break at work, I went and took another pregnancy test to make sure I wasn’t just tired when I read the first test. I could not wait to tell your Dad. Oh Baby S, you have no idea how long he has been waiting for you. Telling your Dad was one of the sweetest moments of my life. His eyes welled up with tears when he heard that great news about You, I’m sure you will see that smile on his face often, in fact you might be the only one to make him smile just like that.
I never knew I could love someone so much but I must say, the day I found out about you, my life changed forever.
I have to say telling your grandparents was quite a privilege. They are elated and ecstatic to meet you. Just you wait Baby S, you are one lucky person. You have four incredible grandparents, with tons of things they can teach you and I know they have tons of love to give you. In fact, you’re getting gifts already! Through various testing and waiting for our first apt to “see” you, we prayed hard for you. We prayed for you to be growing exactly how you should be. August 29, 2016 was one of the best days of my life. Your Dad and I went to the doctor to check on you. It wasn’t even one minute into the apt before they told us Congratulations, there you were! We haven’t heard your heart beat yet, but seeing it on the screen made everything seem so much more real! You are ours! 

April is really not that far away, and I often wonder how and when you will make your appearance. We play different scenarios in our head of what our life will become when you enter this world, and I must say, Your mom is not one for change, but this change is going to be happily accepted. We have to get your room ready, we have tossed around a few ideas for names, and we have talked about what you may look like, all of it is oh so exciting. We love you already!

Your Dad loves you so much Baby S. He talks to you daily, and reminds you to be good to me. You’re going to have the best Dad. He’s been praying for you long before we even knew about you, we’re lucky to have him. I can’t wait for you to meet him. We are getting along pretty well. We are 10 weeks into this journey together along this 40 week trek, I must say I have been awfully tired and you have made food not appealing to me most times. I can’t say I struggle with morning sickness, maybe some nausea at night, but for the most part you’ve been good to me. Most people don’t know about you yet Baby S, but we can’t wait to let the world know that you are coming. For the few people that do know about you, I can say this, you are already so loved! You got your first baby book, a matching shirt to wear with me, and one of the sweetest people in your mom’s life bought you your first Bible. We can’t wait to read it to you and teach you all about Jesus. We pray one day you will grow to love Him. I wonder what your personality will be like? I pray even now for your safety, for you to have a tender spirit, and more than anything I pray that you will know that Your Daddy and I want nothing more than for you to know and experience all God has for you in this crazy world. There’s so much that runs through my mind on a normal day, wondering how you are growing and wondering if you are a boy or a girl. Only one more week and we will hopefully hear your heart beat! You have changed me already Baby S, and this is just the beginning. I feel so blessed that God chose me to be your Mom. I can’t wait to meet you. Love, Mom

Through Different Eyes

Saturday, April 16, 2016

It's funny how perspective can change everything.
It is without fail that with each new season comes new challenges, joys, hurts, and the unexpected. 
The Lord has been so gracious to me during this time.
In my humanness, I have fallen short so many times to see things for what they really are and to remember the big picture.
My flesh wrestles to 'be right', to be in charge, to make sense and logic of everything that comes my way, and I am learning, for my best interest, and for His glory, it can't be this way.
As I have continued to intentionally be mindful of these things, acknowledging and admitting my convictions, the Lord is bringing about change. 
Once again, we all know I don't do change well, but this has been different.
He is working in our home like never before. As we have continued to pray, to grow, and to dig deeper than we ever have, He continues to show His faithfulness.
In areas of my life where there is hurt, dealing with the unexpected, and struggling with my inability to make sense of situations and to accept that sometimes in life we will never have answers to some of our questions, He is bringing about healing and with everything thats been lost, He has proven that He provides exactly what is needed, when it is needed. 
The Lord has been close during times where it feels as though no one else can understand where I am, what I think and feel, and just where I'm at in this season of life. 
While I still wrestle and notice my old ways of viewing things, and at times in my heart having wrong motives, the Lord has slowly but surely been helping me to see everything through a different set of eyes, and this is changing me and molding me.
I've said it often, but being refined is never fun or easy, but theres beauty in the process.
The Lord knows certain voids that I have been feeling, and just as His word promises, He is close and He always provides just what we need. He has done just that.
He has been so faithful.
By no means do I have it all together. In fact, I deal with my convictions on a daily basis right now and often wonder if I will ever get it right, if I will ever get to a place where my thoughts and heart line up to be completely in tune with what the Lord is calling me to, and who He wants me to be.  But that's the beauty of it all. It's a process. This journey and relationship is all about becoming more like Him, and that doesn't happen over night, and I'm learning that its the process that makes me love Him more. 
I want my heart to love and see others as He does. I long for the desire to pray for those who have hurt me, with the right attitude, instead of simply doing so because I know its what I'm called to do. I want to see outside of myself. I have been reminded, in very real ways, that my ability to forgive others has to come from a place that is not dependent on being asked to forgive or to even hear an apology but instead to lavish grace on those that have hurt me because I am a product of grace that was lavished on me when I didn't and don't deserve it. That is a harsh reality for me right now. It is out of the overflow of Christ in me that makes this even possible. 
Truthfully, I haven't been all of that. But I want to be. I am working to be.  
He is changing my heart. He is giving me perspective. He is showing me that He has me exactly where He wants me, and even though it may not always be "happy" being content has so much more meaning, and my contentment is found only in Him. I am grateful for His grace. For His constant love. For His provision. For the truth in the word that says He will finish all that He has begun in me, and that even when I mess up, He is still working and moving to make me more like him. He truly is all that I need.

A New Thing

Saturday, January 2, 2016

“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands."
Isaiah 43:19

It's a new year.
I always struggle to go along with change and keep moving forward. I honestly tend to play "remember when" way too often, and I drag my feet to even be in the present.

I have been challenged in recent days to really embrace where I am. To be present.
To find balance.
I don't wanna miss what the Lord is wanting to do in my heart and life right now.

It's been easy to be distracted. To be busy. To forget about what really matters.

This past year was a great year, but a really hard year for so many reasons. 
I am so thankful for a God that has faithfully walked with me each step of the way.

I am expectantly looking forward to this coming year.
As Andrew and I sat down and talked about some of our goals this year, both small and big, I was reminded of how Faithful God has been to us this past year.

He's a Good, Good. Father.
I am blessed and have been given more grace than I ever deserved.

He is in the business of making all things new, and He is doing something new, and I don't want to miss a moment.

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