In The Quiet

I spent a great day celebrating Mother's Day with an incredible Mom.

No doubt about that.

I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else today.

In all honesty though, today is the first time in awhile

that I have had a chance to slow down. 

Not to many blogs have I written without it being well thought out.

I fear writing transparently at times for fear that my thoughts and feelings may come off as ungrateful, complaining, or so many other things I would never want to come across as.

Tonight I find myself at home.

It's quiet here.

In being honest, all weekend long I have felt like a bomb waiting to explode. Not in a bad way, or out of anger, but more so because of all the emotions I have been feeling without the time to process.

The knot in your throat thats so big when someone asks you how are you today- you have to fight with everything in you to keep it together.

That's where I find myself today.

The problem is, there is no problem. Most times you associate tears and feeling the way I do with something being "wrong" which is why I guess I hesitate to even talk about where I'm at.

But I'm here. This is real. This is me.

In this moment, I feel like I'm grieving in my own way of the changes being made and the end of such a great chapter in my life. I smile at all that I experienced the past 5 years and I know that the Lord has great things in store for me as I begin this new season.

But right now, in this moment, nothing else makes this better.

My fears, my uncertainties, the desires of my heart and the things I feel like I cry out desperately to the Lord weigh heavy on my mind and heart.

I know I'm here for a reason and my faith is certainly being tested and I know this is a time to grow.

I know all of this.

But in my humanness, my prayer has turned simply into Lord please right now just be here with me.

I don't know what else to pray.

Maybe there's beauty in this that I don't see.

I keep reminding myself of God's faithfulness.

I've pray that the Lord would refine me as I feel that I'm walking through the fire.

But right now I just want to be held close. To rest. To be still. To be quiet.

I don't know if this blog was written for anyone but myself, but if you find yourself in place like I am describing, maybe you can pray like me that the Lord would simply just be there with you and make Himself known.

I'm holding on. I'm trusting. And in His time, I know it will all come together.

"So let me go like a leaf upon the water,
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
and I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for not just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me."