I spent a great day celebrating Mother's Day with an incredible Mom.
No doubt about that.
I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else today.
In all honesty though, today is the first time in awhile
that I have had a chance to slow down. 
Not to many blogs have I written without it being well thought out.
I fear writing transparently at times for fear that my thoughts and feelings may come off as ungrateful, complaining, or so many other things I would never want to come across as.
Tonight I find myself at home.
It's quiet here.
In being honest, all weekend long I have felt like a bomb waiting to explode. Not in a bad way, or out of anger, but more so because of all the emotions I have been feeling without the time to process.
The knot in your throat thats so big when someone asks you how are you today- you have to fight with everything in you to keep it together.
That's where I find myself today.
The problem is, there is no problem. Most times you associate tears and feeling the way I do with something being "wrong" which is why I guess I hesitate to even talk about where I'm at.
But I'm here. This is real. This is me.
In this moment, I feel like I'm grieving in my own way of the changes being made and the end of such a great chapter in my life. I smile at all that I experienced the past 5 years and I know that the Lord has great things in store for me as I begin this new season.
But right now, in this moment, nothing else makes this better.
My fears, my uncertainties, the desires of my heart and the things I feel like I cry out desperately to the Lord weigh heavy on my mind and heart.
I know I'm here for a reason and my faith is certainly being tested and I know this is a time to grow.
I know all of this.
But in my humanness, my prayer has turned simply into Lord please right now just be here with me.
I don't know what else to pray.
Maybe there's beauty in this that I don't see.
I keep reminding myself of God's faithfulness.
I've pray that the Lord would refine me as I feel that I'm walking through the fire.
But right now I just want to be held close. To rest. To be still. To be quiet.
I don't know if this blog was written for anyone but myself, but if you find yourself in place like I am describing, maybe you can pray like me that the Lord would simply just be there with you and make Himself known.

I'm holding on. I'm trusting. And in His time, I know it will all come together.

"So let me go like a leaf upon the water,
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
and I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for not just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me."

One Comment

  1. In the quiet, uncertainty, change of life. He is there. At every moment, at every turn, with every sign of "what's next and am I able," He is still there.
    I love that about God and I've been where you are. Wait patiently and work diligently and in a very short time you'll turn this corner and say.... "so that's what I was waiting for."
    You can always trust His ways to be the very best ways. :):)


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