"looking back you'll see that you were carried all along"

The title of this blog is my favorite lyric from one of Jessica Aaron's originals that's coming out in the next few months. 

I was listening to the song in my car when I began to think about where I am at currently.

I can't believe I am coming up on the year mark, in a little over a month that I have been home.

So many changes have happened throughout the past year. 

It's actually really overwhelming if I think about all that has changed, happened, and worked out in the past year.

In thinking about the past two years, I started to read back into my journals, my personal prayers, and my blog. My last year of college was one of change, excitement, but one that was full of fear for me.

Anxiety gripped me to my core and those were long hard days no doubt.

Counseling was hard work but still what I believe was the best decision I could have made.

I was reminded of the days where I would hurt my body by starving it of what it needed just because I felt that it was all I had control over. 

All too well I can remember the desperation I felt in my spirit, the fear that gripped my heart and crippled me from  what at times felt like everything.

As I read back through some of the desperate prayers, the longing and desires of my heart, I found myself recognizing those moments all too well, but shortly after that thought, tears of joy and thankfulness.

A smile that's full of life and peace.

While I am nowhere near perfect, or completely free of all I struggled with over the past few years, the Lord truly has met my every need that I had, and has given me way more than I even asked for.

Every desire that I had including my idea of the perfect situation for when I moved back home, He has pieced it all together in ways that I never could have imagined. 

The support of my parents, Andrew, my mentors and friends is more than I ever could have asked for. I feel that this season of my life has been one that has drawn me closer to wholeness that I could have imagined. While the days of unknowns still exist, God's faithfulness each and everyday has given me the strength to keep trusting daily.

The Lord has truly done a work in my heart. I have been pushed into situations where I never thought I would make it, where the pain in the depths of my heart felt so great that I couldn't imagine getting through it and being okay, and yet here I am. The lack of control and uncertainty at times made me feel like I was doing nothing but drowning. The Lord's refinement of my heart has no doubt hurt, and stripped me to the core. He really did bring me to myself....one of the hardest things to face, but I am thankful He doesn't show me all that needs to change, and says okay, come back to me when it's all fixed.

Instead, day by day, He is there to help me fix the characteristics that are not like Him, to strip away my pride, impatience, control, to show me how He sees me, and so much more.

There is freedom and victory in my life over some of the old battles I use to face. For the things I still struggle with, I am just thankful that God doesn't give up on me, and that He is changing my heart daily.

It is true, looking back in the moments where I felt like no one knew where I was at, where I questioned God's sovereignty over the situation, He was carrying me each and every step of the way.

It is my prayer that as I continue on the path that He has for me, that all these reminders of His faithfulness will draw me closer to Him even in the moments where it doesn't seem to make sense.

I feel blessed today to be here. I know I have been given more than I ever deserve. 

Thank You Lord for your faithfulness in my life even when I questioned you.

May I draw closer to You and continue to trust You and Your word with every new day that comes.   

For My Parents: thank you for your unconditional love and support even in the moments where you questioned my decision making. Your countless prayers and trust in the Lord to lead and guide me forever has changed me and made me a stronger believer in prayer. 

Andrew: you have been a Godsend. Long before our journey together, your care, protection, and genuine interest in my heart and life has made me a better person. For the long hard days, your commitment to me and your belief in me is something I pray that I can give right back to you. You truly are my heart and I am forever grateful that the Lord brought us together. 

To my Church family & Friends: your prayers, support, and love is more than I could ever ask for. Coming back home was nothing short of a big change for me, but I have felt loved, accepted, and thankful for the chance to grow as God continues to lead me.