"I want my heart His throne to be,
so that a watching world may see
His likeness shining forth in me.
I want to be like Jesus."

At nine years old, I had no idea that I would deal with one of the hardest things that happens in this world. I'd rather not start there though.
You see, you'll never know how much of an impact someone made on your life, 
until they aren't apart of it everyday. 
We take things for granted, and the second we don't have it anymore
we then realize what we should have held onto.

I learned this lesson as a little girl.
Regardless of the hurt that won't ever seem to go away, the empty place in my heart, the way our family has never been the same, and for the moments when I just wish I could bring her back, I was blessed to have such a Godly example in my life from the time I was born, even until now. 

As a little girl, I heard over and over about how much Jesus loved me from my grandmother.
I learned lots of lessons about how God had taught her things in her life growing up, about being a Mom & even a Grandmother. I can hear her voice still to this day when I think about her and my grandpa sitting down each morning to have their devotions. Regardless of how long it took, they would pray for each and every one of their kids and grand kids and dear friends.  

I remember hearing her pray for me.

I had no idea how important this was, and I have no idea how much her prayers have helped me to be where I am now. 
  
The memories are endless, even though I only had 9 years. 
Kool-aid ice cubes, baking, learning how to make homemade noodles (an Indiana favorite), playing store, setting up my bed at the bottom of hers each time I spent the night, cracking jokes on her like pretending I was in Home Alone and I set up a trap in her house (awful I know), setting up the manger scene at her house each year at Christmas, hearing "Bethany Joy" as only she could say it, teaching me how to take care of my baby dolls, trips to Mcdonalds, picking me up from practice and having a snack in the car for me until I got home for dinner. 
Oh sweet memories.  
I will never forget the night where things got serious. 
The night where joking, laughing, and carrying on wasn't the "normal" activity for the evening.
I remember being anxious as I could tell something wasn't and hadn't been right.

This night changed my life.
I learned this night that my grandmother had a cancer that literally was going to eat her alive.
No one in our family knew that it would take her life 2 months later. 
She told me this night about all of it. But she kept telling me that she was eventually going to die.
I asked her if she was afraid. 
Fear never came out of her mouth.
I sensed such peace. 
At nine years old, I saw in her that night, a woman who loved and feared the Lord with everything she had. She knew where she was going and most importantly, she only wanted to do and be everything that Jesus wanted her to be.
You see, the old hymn " I want to be Like Jesus" was her favorite.

I can hear her to this day singing around the house as she cleaned.
Words like "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word."

I will never forget the day she died.
I get a knot in my throat to this day just thinking about it.

I never knew that 14 years later, I would look back on these memories, those final moments, and those  deep conversations that I had with my grandmother at 9 years old, it would change me.

I've found myself at a place of unrest, anxiety, fear of the unknown, and I almost feel imprisoned in my own mind at times.
Today I was reminded and in my mind could hear her singing those words, quoting the scriptures, and praying with everything that she had. The peace that she had even in the midst of what I would consider the scariest thing that could happen, is something that I so long for.

The same God that came to save my Grandmother and walked beside her during her fight with cancer, is the same God that lives in me.
I have been blessed to have the memories I did with her.
They are burried deep within my heart, and I am thankful for the countless prayers her and my grandfather have poured over myself, my future spouse, and my family. 

This holiday season is often bittersweet for me. 
I wanted to write this blog tonight in hopes to encourage, and for myself find a few moments of peace.

I pray that somewhere along this journey, I can become more like Christ, and I hope that I reflect the love, compassion, and grace that my grandmother did. 
"My deepest prayer, my highest goal, that I may be like Jesus."

12-27-1997

  


2 Comments

  1. Beautiful Beth. I'm certain she is so proud of the wonderful, gorgeous woman you have become.

    ReplyDelete
  2. rip, and i love the quote right under the photo

    ReplyDelete

I love your comments!