If my heart could talk right now, it might begin with silence
This isn't how I normally feel but right now that's going to have to be okay.
Words don't seem to do justice. Sometimes "I don't know" has to be okay.
 If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that it feels torn.
I'm excited for things ahead and thankful for the opportunities I've been given the past 5 years but it would also tell you how deep it hurts to have to say good-bye to some of the best moments of my life.
If my heart could talk to you right now, it would sigh and say, wow some of this situation has turned out way better than I ever thought it would. I worried a lot for nothing. Actually God taught me a lot through it. There was purpose in everything that happened.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that its feels disappointed and discouraged. While I know patience is the key, it doesn't change the fact that the one thing I didn't worry about in coming home seems to be my biggest hurdle. It seemed as though getting a nursing job was going to be the easiest thing on my list after I got my license. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that rejection never feels good and 3 jobs who turned me down yesterday reminded me that while it only takes one "yes", a no is always a blow to the ego.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how different it is to be back living where you haven't been for 5 years. Life definitely went on when I left, just as I have changed, but it will be an adjustment to find my routine here.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how thankful I am that my parents are being understanding and supportive during this time of change. I never would want them to think that I am ungrateful cause the truth is I'm blessed for this chance to get on my feet.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that I miss traveling with some of my favorite friends. I often took leading worship and traveling on PR for granted and I find myself missing it often these days.
If my heart could talk right now it might explain the way that its felt extremely vulnerable lately, as change tends to be just the trigger for me. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how happy I am to have Andrew in Florida with me and although we are both going through some major adjustments, this is the best choice for us right now and we look forward to what's ahead. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you how many times it thinks back to every door God has opened. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you about the desperate prayers that have been coming from the very core of who I am. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that while I know the truth that in time all of this will come together, it would also explain to you that its still a part of my humanness and for the moments that I deal with the raw emotions, all I can do is ask the Lord to be close to me.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that today "asking big" for me meant asking the Lord to send me a love letter specifically for me to encourage me. I'm anxiously waiting.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you of the scriptures that are hidden deep inside that are brought to mind quite often these days.
If my heart could talk right now, it would ask you to pray for me, but to also let you know that I hope none of it was taken as me complaining, bu seen as the real, raw feelings that I have been experiencing this week. 
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that it's thankful for a God who's love is bigger than anything else we can comprehend and this is what I am clinging to.
If my heart could talk right now it would tell you that it's trusting in it's Creator and resting in the promise that He holds every part of my world in the palm of His hands. 



3 Comments

  1. Your heart expresses who you truly are, and that is a person who has an inner beauty that is blooming more every day. Not only in the good times but also in the challenging times. Always remember, He is the Maker of Your Heart and He has your very BEST at Heart.

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  2. Thank you so much for just being so vulnerable when you write. In totally different ways... I understand. I'm so sorry that things are frustrating sometimes, and I'm so glad that you were able to have the experiences you've had over the past 5 years, and that I've gotten to be a part of some of them.
    Love you.
    R

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  3. The Lord is molding you for your future. You'll not be what you once were, but discover what HIs molding will bring you too. I know, it has happened to me.

    Love, Gramps

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