the last several weeks have been  a challenge and it really is only the beginning.
when i applied for graduate school, i didn't honestly think i would get into the program as a new graduate nurse.

i got accepted.
that was the hardest part right?

the excitement and all the other adjustments in my life my first semester made it seem not so bad.
this semester involves pharmacology and advanced health assessment.
while i have enjoyed everything i've been learning about,
the last couple weeks have been such a struggle.

i feel like i spend hours on assignments that i still walk away from thinking, huh?
 chest x-rays have never looked so blurry to me.
preparing for an accumulative pharm final, or practicing for my full head to toe assessment I'm performing in two weeks
yeah...i got this.
or so i keep trying to convince myself.

my entire life i have been good at school.
if i wasn't good at anything else, i knew i was good at this and i've always found confidence in this.

i have officially met my match.

i'd be lying if i said quitting hasn't crossed my mind.
or that i was crazy for even venturing on this journey at this point in my life.

i don't even have tons of confidence in the few months that i've been a new nurse.

i have felt discouraged.
dumb.
i have had anxiety late at night before i go to bed.
i've had more melt downs alone than i'd care to admit.
i've even questioned the lord on this step in my life.

this by far is the hardest thing i have ever set out to do.
it seems so exciting to me as this is one of my dreams.
but it isn't long after i begin thinking about it that fear creeps in.
fear of failure.
fear of not being enough.
fear that this whole thing is a big joke and waste of my time and effort cause i'll never make it.

each time i have prayed about this or tried to see what i can do differently, each step still points to the path i am on right now.
why now? i have no idea.
how? ha, if you figure that out give me a call.

maybe for the first time in my life, the thing i felt confident in is the one thing i feel the most hesitant with, and hard work means something totally new in relation to school.
not that i never worked hard in undergrad because i certainly did, but this by far is the biggest challenge i've had in front of me. 

i certainly don't want to give up. 
but i also realize this is a process.
a long one.

and it's gruesome right now.
i'm still adjusting to the thought of not just being a student but instead working, being involved in church activities and being a graduate student.

i feel like between now and april 25th, i  have a to-do list that appears impossible.

so what am i gonna do about it?

one day at a time.
trusting that God will give me the grace and strength to get through each and everyday as it comes.
realizing that my identity and confidence isn't found in my performance but instead is rooted in who he created me to be.
i don't wanna give anything less than my best.
i feel so blessed to even have the chance to finish school, and someday to be entrusted with this responsibility. 
i want to be prepared and i know it is hard work to get there.

so if you're reading this, i'd ask you to pray for me in the coming weeks.

i'd also challenge you. if you feel like you've met your match, regardless of what that may be, where are you getting your strength and confidence from?

i am thankful for a God who's purpose for my life is far greater than i ever could have dreamed.
i am also thankful for the strength he gives in the midst of my weakness.
 i have been made more aware of my need for Him as I continue this journey step by step.


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