I've been dreading writing this blog.
In fact this might be the 10th time I've sat down to write. Nothing comes out how I want it to, so I delete  what I've written, walk away frustrated, and contemplate just when it will be that I will be able to get it out just right.
I've decided it might not come out right, but the risk in writing may not be for anyone else but me.
Before I begin to share where I'm really at and whats truly been going on in my heart, I want to start by saying how thankful I am.

Thankful for a place to call home
Thankful for the support of my parents and their encouragement. 
Thankful for their patience as I am adjusting and trying to figure out all that's ahead for me.
Thankful that the Lord provided Andrew with a job literally the week we moved home.
Thankful for my friends I've missed that live here in Vero Beach.
Thankful for a loving church family who prays for and supports me.
Thankful for my health.
&& Thankful for the chance to continue with school in the Fall.

I will preface this writing with this. I'm just going to be honest. I am so blessed and have so many things to be thankful for, however, I am also human, I have real emotions, and I just want to be honest about where I'm at. 
Please hear my heart.

I worried myself sick over so many things the previous 6 months leading up to this point. Wasted time I know, however, it was real for me and I walked through it. However, the one thing I didn't ever worry about was getting a job when I moved home.
I'm a nurse. Everyone always says there's jobs for nurses. 
Everyone said it wouldn't be a problem. The thought didn't really cross my mind.
After all, if I can pass the NCLEX, I can get a job, piece of cake right?!

Maybe it's because I always prepare for things before they happen (this is both good and really bad at times) but in this case, having never thought finding a job would be hard, feeling disappointed the past few weeks would be an understatement. 

I have applied at just about every place I know to apply to.
Places here, an hour north, and an hour south.
and still- nothing.
I feel that I heard the word 'no' at least once a day from somewhere.

No one wants new graduates, or the places that do offer programs aren't places I can apply due to my graduate school.
It's the off season. October is said to be when it picks up.

So what do I do until then? What does God have for me? How long is this going to take?
 I just need someone to give me a chance.
I've worked so hard for this and I'm ready to invest myself to be the best I can. 
These are all thoughts that run through my mind everyday right now.

I've even at times found myself being bitter towards people who have doors opening for them, which is so wrong. I have recognized my bad attitude at times, my ungratefulness, and the way I have struggled to say "well so and so told me this would work out."
God, forgive me.

While I trust that God does have a plan for me, being honest means that in my heart I feel discouraged, disappointed, tired, wondering when I'll get my break, and praying that my phone rings with just one 'Yes.


All that to say, putting my trust in anyone but God at this point (or any point for that matter) is a waste of my time.


So what am I doing right now? 

The best I can.
Praying everyday multiple times for God to make His will clear.
Asking for forgiveness when my attitude is wrong.
Praying for patience as I'm playing the waiting game, and reminding myself this is not about my self worth.
Reminding myself that this is only temporary.
Praying that as I wrap this piece of writing up, that somehow God would be in it. 

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14 


2 Comments

  1. Bethany I sat in your shoes when I graduated from college with my degree in Education back in the day....in 1995... when I graduated the job market was much better and I hadnt really thought much about getting a job either - just figured it would happen.....Well...I graduated on May 5, substituted all summer and just kept waiting for a call.....school started and I had NO job! Well....3 days in to the new school year ..August 29 (also my birthday) I got a call from a principal that there was a PK ESE position - a job that I didn't even know existed and taadaa I had a job. What a great postion it was! It was an anxiety ridden summer waiting for the call with total unbelief that I wasn't getting any calls...but in reflection it was God all along who taught me to trust him and then in HIS timing gave me the BEST job I could have ever had! There is a PERFECT position that God has for you - not sure HIS timing but His plan will work out!!! PS - patience it my least favorite lesson God teaches us but man he sure does make it pay-off in the end!!!! God bless you as you wait!!!
    :) Michelle, your friend at UB in Jax

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  2. Bethany.
    I love you but Jesus loves you more.Look up you'll see Him coming in all His glory.
    Grandpa

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