lately it seems as though I'm at a standstill.
while my schedule is 100 miles an hour, certain parts of my life and heart feel that they are at a place of no movement. 
sometimes i find myself watching other people moving into different phases of life and i recognize in my heart the desires I have and then the realization that i am exactly where i need to be.

i'm thankful feelings aren't facts.
feelings can be misleading.
they are hard to deal with sometimes.

in recent days, i have recognized my desire for instant gratification and the way i feel when i haven't been getting it in certain areas of my life.
accepting that school is still 3 years from being over is hard to swallow at times, but i keep reminding myself of the journey nursing school was, how fast it went by, and the joy that came in finishing something that took so long to complete.
i also know that instant gratification isn't the answer to the things i feel or the thing that will bring contentment and peace into my life.

i have had to surrender daily my desire for instant gratification.
admitting and owning where i am at.
giving up my desire and need for 'thank you's, recognition of my hard work, and ultimately my plans 
but also asking God to help me see my life and where I am through his eyes.

it's amazing how His perspective of my life and who I am can change everything.
i've had to own where i'm at.
owning and agreeing with Jesus's assessment of my heart and life.
and honest would tell you i have feelings and issues in my heart that are wrong.

being honest would mean i'm not completely sure how to let go and get rid of some of them.
and honesty in my prayer life even when its ugly is how i pray daily right now.

through all of it, even in the midst of my wrong, He is showing me things.
about myself. about my heart. about my desires. about my need for Him.
He is also showing me that His plan for my life, is a plan designed just for me.
everything that I need. everything that He created for me, in His timing.

so for the moments I compare my life to other people around me, I'm missing the joy of His plan for me.

It may appear as though I have this lesson learned, and am bringing it out after it's been learned when reality is, i write this with a heavy heart, with teary eyes, a lump in my throat, with hurts no one knows about, and with thoughts that i'd be ashamed for anyone else to see.

but even now, in the midst of my searching, in the times where the Lord is refining my heart,
it hurts so bad, there's nothing easy about it, He is revealing his plan for my life piece by piece.
even though I feel like I'm at a standstill, He is doing something deep down in my heart in this time of my life.


as much as I'd like to just move past this place that I'm in currently, I need to be here.
God is here. He is working.


One Comment

  1. You, know, Bethany - there are very many different stages in this walk with Christ. I felt like I danced through my adolescence, care-free in my love for Him. In my 20s after being married - it felt like I was constantly grabbing the tree roots on the mountain I was scaling, weary from the discipline and correction that I had to get through to reach the top. 30's brought time of teaching, with great moments of revelation. How I had not known all of this? In my 40s I have been learning how to love others, serve my Lord while depending on Him and letting Him work through me. It's ok where you're at. God is there . . . and here. He is absolutely at work and will let you know when it is time to move forward. I love you - and love your heart. Keep seeking.

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