I have struggled to come up with words to accurately describe a few things that have happened in my life in the past week.
While I have yet to completely share in my writing, my struggles in previous months, to sum in all up, I am learning what love really is.
While I thought I knew, in so many areas of my life, the Lord has stripped me to the core, challenged me, and truly has been refining my heart and my thoughts. 
By no means has this been an easy process, but I can honestly say, in preparing my heart and myself for this new season of marriage, I have a new hunger and desire to understand Love the way God intended it to be.
1 Corinthians 13 is the kind of love I am learning and I have been challenged to search my heart, my actions, and my motives.
All of that to say, I serve a big God who not only comes to me to challenge me, to change me, and to make me more like him, He also in recent days has shown me in quiet moments of my life, just how much He loves me, and how far He will go to show me.

My thought life has been a major area of struggle in the past year, and fear takes over and it is crippling. While I have come to recognize the patterns, the thoughts, and the lies of the enemy, these moments are less and less but they still happen, and at times I almost feel desperate. Last week I found myself in a valley. While nothing specifically happened, multiple areas of my life had me feeling discouraged, worried, weary, and like no one could understand where I was in my own spirit.
As I laid in my bed one night, crying out to the Lord about how I felt and being transparent in all of my fear and worry and hurts from the week, I decided to text someone in my life that has been an encourager, supporter, mentor, and has become family. Rob is someone I met on the district going to teen camp and as an 8th grader I think I gave him a run for his money as I'm sure he wasn't thrilled to have me as part of his team for an entire week of youth camp. Over the years, I have found the brother I never had, and he has truly encouraged me and loved me, pushed me to cling to the promises God has for me and I am so grateful for him and his sweet family and all they mean to me. 
While it was 12:30 at night, I didn't think he would be awake. I sent a text simply asking him to pray for me. To my surprise I received a text back saying that he was still awake. He then began to tell me that he really isn't usually up at this hour but his sweet daughter had been restless for the past hour and a half. A few minutes later he text me and said that he thinks I was the reason he couldn't sleep, and as soon as I text him and he began to pray for me, his daughter fell right to sleep. He ended our conversation by saying to me, just remember, there must be a God that loves you this much.
I was beyond humbled. My thoughts quit racing, and I feel asleep, so grateful.

I began reading a book this week that I have had on my list for quite some time.
While I am only through chapter 4, this book is challenging me even more in the way I think and view God and His love for me. Francis Chan is an amazing writer and I would highly suggest this book if you haven't read it.
As the week continued I felt more encouraged and truly in small ways each day the Lord was showing me that He loved me, and He had every detail I worry about under control.
Two nights ago, for no specific reason, I began a long battle with my thought life that I have truly struggled with in the past several months. I know exactly how this goes and while it would seem to be easy to just 'not go there,' at times I feel so enslaved. Within 2 minutes of the thoughts racing and fear beginning to set in my heart, I got a message from a dear friend of mine asking 
"How is your thought life doing? I have been praying for you."
My thoughts stopped dead in their tracks.
I responded to her saying you have no idea, I am currently not doing so well and the thoughts are racing.
She sent back to me this verse from Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing."
I began to cry and just thank the Lord for using my friend in that moment to personally show me that He is in control, that He cares about me and the smallest details of my life, and the He loves me.

I can honestly say this week I have felt so unworthy, but so grateful for the Lord's work through others in my life to show me His relentless, powerful, life-changing, love.

As a I am continuing to change and grow, it is my prayer that I would understand more and more what this Love really means in my life and that I can be one of the doors that He will use to show someone else His love as I have experienced this week.
I serve a good God and He deserves all the glory.

How has the Lord shown you His love this week? 


One Comment

  1. With tears streaming I say thank you as I too deal with fear and worry over things that God has given me peace over time after time. Thank you for sharing because I definitely needed to read about the God that I taught you would calm your fears and take over your worries..... my oh my..... I am so glad you listened and that I am relearning the lessons that I teach time and time again. I love your heart.

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