"O Lord my God, I have called out to You, and You have healed me" Psalm 30:2
It's always in the Bible that we hear about miracles, or maybe it's from a friend or stories in church.
I know I never thought it would be me.
That's awful for me to doubt, to have faith so small that doesn't even consider that God would want to or choose to do something that would be a miracle in my life.
I've contemplated writing this blog since it happened.
You see, in being real it means I may risk feeling embarrassed, wondering if others will look at me differently, and really exposing a piece of my life that has somewhat felt like a 'secret' the past month.
Over the past month and a half I have been experiencing some real anxiety.
I'd say I've never been a laid back person, I tend to worry about many things, and its quite rare that my mind is not racing, however the anxiety I have been experiencing over the last few months is one that has been crippling
Fear of everyday things happening, feelings of panic, almost to where I feel like I can't breathe, being trapped in my own mind, obsessive thoughts of the future, and just a worry that never seems to subside is where I have been for the last 2 months.
It is also important for me to share that while I feel like this can make me look and feel like I have more "issues", I have been seeing a Christian counselor since September. I have so enjoyed my time with my counselor and I have no doubt that in meeting her, it was God's hand at work.
After discussing my anxiety with her, where I was at and how I was coping or not coping with my everyday tasks, we both agreed it would be beneficial to see her colleague who is a psychiatrist. 
Going to this appointment was one I dreaded. Digging through my past, my hurts, where I've come from, what I enjoy, where I'm at now and what I'm experiencing felt like the longest 2 hours of my life. 
After hearing where she thinks my anxiety stems from, and accepting her suggestion of being put on an anti-depressant for anxiety, I felt more defeated than I have in awhile.
I felt this made me weak. That if I was ever out of control of a situation, it was now.
How would I fix where I'm at?
What is the medicine going to do to me? Will I ever feel like myself? Will I ever have a day where my mind isn't racing?
It was exhausting.
I got a call from my Dad later this day. 
I must say, he doesn't call me often, so when my phone rang I was praying nothing was wrong.
My Dad called to tell me this: He had been at a prayer meeting all day in Lakeland, Fl. with the other pastors of the district. He said they went on a prayer journey for a few hours. He said while he was praying, he felt impressed to pray for my freedom and healing from my anxiety. My Dad is a man who believes in prayer, and I am confident that when he says he was interceding for me, that I can count on it. He told me that he felt confident that God would deliver me from this, he did not know how or when, but that he needed to call and tell me this. I thanked him, told him I loved him and hung up the phone.
I cried the entire trip back to my apartment. 
All I could think to myself was, Lord please be with me cause I don't know how this is ever going to get better.
The night before I went home for Thanksgiving, I started my medicine. Over the next few days, I was quiet, felt neutral to everything, tired, physically had some reactions to the medicine and was wide awake in the middle of the night with jitters. After the 4th night of this, I couldn't take it anymore, called my Doctor and we agreed I should stop the medication.
I felt even more defeated, now dreading another meeting with her when I returned to try another medication that would hopefully do the trick for me. I was extremely apprehensive but knew I couldn't give up yet.
I got back into town and met with my counselor on Wednesday. We talked about my trip home, my meeting with her colleague, and my reaction to the medication. I told her I felt more out of control of the situation than ever, wondered how it would ever get better, but also expressed the fact that I knew I couldn't give up.
After meeting with her, she said to me that she sensed such a peace about me. She said she had never seen me this calm in my spirit since her and I have been meeting.
I left this day feeling good about that. 
The next day, I met with the psychiatrist. I felt closed off and apprehensive. 
We talked. I shared my heart with her. I told her how I was willing to face the things her and I talked about and that I simply wanted to continue what I needed to and do the work needed in order for me to be the healthiest person I can be.
I told her about my Dad and his experience and prayers.
I told her I was relying on God as this is all I felt I could do at this point.
Her reaction wasn't what I expected.
Without knowing what my counselor said, she expressed the same thing my counselor told me.
She sensed a peace about me. A calmness that I thought medication was going to give me. She said she thought I had experienced a break through, and said I don't know what it is, but you are moving in the right direction.
She told me she had come with another medicine in mind to prescribe me, but after meeting with me said she was going to suggest that I take nothing, and to continue to do what I was doing, and if I needed to meet with her again, to call her.
I gathered my things, smiled and said thank you and walked out the door. 
I got in the car with Andrew and began to tell him what she said.
When he asked what medicine I had been prescribed I simply responded "Nothing."
I couldn't take all of this in.
Later that night I finally had the time to process through everything and all I could think to do was let my Dad know that I was calling to tell him I was free. That God somehow, someway, had been involved in all of this. That I didn't need medicine anymore for my anxiety. That somehow my mind hasn't been racing so much. I haven't had any further panic attacks. I can relax on my own without medication.
He responded. Praise the Lord. We will claim it!!!!!

While this does not mean I am done with my counseling, and that my road to wholeness and better health is over, it means that the Lord truly has delivered me from the pressing anxiety that I was having. I do not have to be medicated in order to feel fine. 
I still, am in awe of what happened because I don't even know how or when it took place, but 2 doctors within 48 hours said the same thing to me.
I'm choosing to claim it and believe that it was God, and I in my own life experienced a miracle!

While I am not proud to tell my story and feel embarrassed about my anxiety, I can't keep what God's done to myself!
He truly is the healer and I am thankful for His faithfulness in my life and I believe in His power to continue to help me on this journey.

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me and a special thanks to Brittany for the picture! 



2 Comments

  1. Thank you Bethany, it is a privelege to be trusted with your story. I often reflect on those precious days when you were in small group. I love the tenderness of your heart, your willingness to confess the flesh and your desire to live in surrender to the spirit of God who has the power to renew and replenish. You are beautiful from the inside - out!

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  2. What a beautiful expression of the truth. I appreciate what you shared so much. I do deal with depression and anxiety which has worsened since the loss of my Mother this year. I do take meds and yet I know God has me right where HE wants me and I TRUST Him with my LIFE. HE has clearly been very real and very much at work in You. Praise HIS holy NAME. I am always here for you Bethany, Much love Pamela :) So very proud of you.

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