It was another long week with no open doors.
In small ways though, God continually shows His faithfulness and for this I am thankful.
At the beginning of each week I've started asking my Dad 'is this gonna be my week?'
It's somewhat joking but in my heart of hearts, I have been wondering if I will end up feeling disappointed at the end of the week.

While I have really been working on taking every thought captive and really trying to trust that God's timing will be perfect, it's a constant internal struggle for me.
My Dad preached on manipulation Sunday.
Not a sermon I necessarily thought would have a huge meaning for me, but I was definitely wrong. 
As he began to talk about how we can manipulate others, he talked about how we often times try so hard to manipulate God.
It sounds silly, because of course He is not going to fall for our tricks.

Have I been trying to manipulate God?
While I don't know that this is all I was supposed to hear, what really hit home was the idea that I haven't surrendered this part of my life completely to God.
If I had, I wouldn't be struggling like I am.
Doesn't mean it will all go away, but I haven't felt a peace in my own heart to just trust that God is going to open the right door, at the right time. In my head I know God has a plan, but my heart has felt defeat and discouragement instead of hearing truth.
In my efforts I have done and done all I feel like I can do at this point and there comes a time where I feel like I just can't do it anymore.
Hearing 'no' and experiencing closed doors is what I feel I do on a daily basis right now. 
It's exhausting. 

All of that to say Yesterday, in my heart as I  heard the voices all around me singing "I surrender all, I surrender all" (a song I know oh so well) I simply cried out to the Lord just take this. Have it, it's Yours. It already was His, but maybe it was the moment for me of letting go...taking my hands off.
Knowing that I have done all I can do, and will continue to pursue what is needed, but ultimately to let go, to keep my hands off the situation and trust God. 

My prayer is not only for a job, but for the right job. There is some job out there the Lord has just for me, and I don't want to have anything but that.

In the mean time, while I am waiting and anxious to pour into the lives of other people, I am going to be praying for whatever the position is and that the Lord would prepare me for whatever my next step is.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the rock eternal." 
Isaiah 26:3-4





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