Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I'm reading a book.
It's called 'Hind's feet on High places'
An excerpt from one of my blogs came from this book.
My grandmother loved it. My mom just bought it.
& I found it tonight on my book shelf, with a note. 
This was given to me before I went to college, and it's no coincidence that I found it tonight.
I feel like I've missed out on the message of this book.
I feel like it was written just for me.

Tonight I took the long way home. 
Just a chance to sit in silence and in some ways a place where I find it the most freeing to tell God everything on my heart and mind.
Tonight, that's exactly what I did.

After reading some of that book today, and in my time with the Lord in the car, I realized something.
Maybe it isn't all about getting to the "top" or reaching the destination ahead but instead being willing to trust enough that on the way to the top, even though each step of the way is unfamiliar and new, that strength will be given, endurance will be built, fear will slowly lose its power, love will develop deeper and deeper, and character will be refined each step of the way.

Maybe out of control is exactly where I need to be.
My least favorite feeling in the entire world.
No planned dates. No checklists to mark off.

And maybe the idea of it being a process is something I need to come to grips with.

no overnight fixes, no lifelong maps laid out, nothing consistent except God

In being honest I would have to tell you that I struggle.
My flesh fights the unknown.
The desires of my heart get heavier and heavier waiting for the time when they will come to pass.
I'm impatient.
I get discouraged.
Fear seems to get the best of me every time [fear makes me do things I don't want to do].
I begin to question 'will I ever be enough?'

This vicious cycle has gotten the best of me before.
But not tonight.

While I still have all the same questions and feelings about being out of control, the Lord graciously reminded me in a gentle way tonight that it isn't about all of the things I'm waiting for ahead of me, but instead it's about the step by step journey I'm taking to get to the places He is taking me.

So I'm back to where I was. A time of preparation. Another leg of the journey.
I certainly don't have it all right but I'm learning.
I'm growing.
and right now that's enough to keep me walking tomorrow. 

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