From Deep Within

Monday, October 22, 2012

I've noticed that sometimes I can't explain what I'm thinking or feeling.
It's something thats so deep within my heart that I'm not sure it knows how to surface into something that I can put into words.
But somehow when I sit down to pray and begin to tell the Lord that I know He knows my heart, and I tell him the best way I can how I feel, I feel like it's understood.
This feels good.
There's peace in that moment for me.

At times I feel frustrated that no one may understand me or my heart.
Why am I so concerned with this?
Maybe its just so I don't feel alone or so I feel validated.
But I've missed what's important.

The fact that the God of the Universe cares enough to listen to me.
To every minor, insignificant detail.
To count each tear that falls.
To understand the deepest parts of my heart and my desires.
To understand my hopes and dreams.
My frustrations and deepest hurts.
To know it all.
Every intricate detail.

Maybe its hard for me to accept that God knows me better than I know myself.
That the desires in my heart have been placed there for a reason.
Not to be left empty and for me to be left disappointed.
But to be fulfilled in His timing.

I don't believe this means we get everything we want, however I believe when our hearts and minds are set in the truth and we walk in what the Lord has for us, I believe that nothing but life exists. 
That desires are fulfilled.
That hope exists even in the midst of brokenness.
Redemption is no longer impossible.
Healing is a painful but beautiful process.
Peace is no longer hard to find, but available in His presence.

In being vulnerable, I would have to tell you that some of the deepest parts of my heart have been crying out to the Lord so much lately. Things that I feel like no one else may ever understand. Desires that I fear may never be fulfilled. Moments of pure fear and anxiousness. 
It isn't hard to get to a place where I believe the lies.
In fact, it's easier than believing the truth most days.

But I (and you) have been promised plans of a hope and a future.
If we'll get serious.
The message says it like this 
"Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else
I'll make sure you're not disappointed. 
- God's decree. "
Jeremiah 29:13 

I don't know about you but nothing is worse than disappointments.
I fear them.
It consumes my thought life sadly.
But this isn't what I was called to live in.

So maybe I thought I was writing this for someone else, but in writing this, I am making a statement to the Lord, from the deepest parts of my heart. Letting go and out of my hands the deepest desires of my heart, my expectations, my fears, my deepest longings, my fears of disappointments, and I lay them down. 

I don't want to miss what the Lord has for me today.

Somewhere from deep within my heart there's peace tonight.
I haven't felt this in awhile.

Thank you Lord for your promise of fulfilled desires, and a life with purpose and plans.
Your undeserving but thankful daughter

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