even on the mountain top

Thursday, December 13, 2012

For the past few days I've found myself in a place where time just seems to be moving slower.
There is no feeling of being rushed, hurried, or a a to-do-list to be checked off.
I've enjoyed deep conversations about life, relationships and all that God is doing in our lives with my sweet friend Mary. 
I'm so thankful for meaningful relationships like this one.

Tonight we ate dinner, packed our stuff up and once again find ourselves in Fika . 
We brought our Bibles, journals, and decided it was a good chance to just spend some quiet time.

I've felt such a sense of peace in the last few days out here in the beauty of the mountains, the refreshing cold air, and just a complete change of life for a few hours. It has given me a chance to clear my head, experience things my heart and mind have been feeling but have not had a chance to really process.

I found myself in Philippians.
One of my favorite book s of the Bible, especially when I am looking for encouragement.

In the last few days I've had a few thoughts.
In my journey to finding wholeness in Christ, 
I am realizing more and more that this is a continual process.
I may not ever be at a place where my fears, inner struggles, and deepest insecurities are non-existent.
Even in the midst of such a beautiful place, I had some moments of complete fear, worry, and anxiousness in my heart.
Thoughts that my deepest desires will never be fulfilled.
Fear of losing the things that mean the most to me.
Insecurities about myself as a person and who I am called to be.

Philippians 4:6-7 reminded me of this.
"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
(The message version) 

I've got to be honest and say that I have heard this verse more times than I can count but reading this version for me tonight strikes something new in my heart and mind.
The idea that my worries and frets can be shaped into prayers, something that is worth my time, something that is validated and brought before my Heavenly Father is comforting. 
That in this, I can find wholeness. Peace. Security.
I think what I realize though is that it isn't instantaneously, and this is the part I struggle with.
I've even asked Mary this week, is wholeness ever really complete? Will I struggle with these same thoughts and fears my whole life?

I love the idea that God wants to take my worry, fears, and deepest concerns and bring wholeness and a sense of purpose and plan into the chaos of my mind.

I guess for me I realize that where I am physically doesn't change where my heart and mind are.
Even in the midst of such a breathtaking view, I still found fear creeping into my mind.
Regardless of circumstances around me, comparison of others and where they are at, none of that changes my heart and mind.

I have been trying to be more intentional during my prayer time to just lay everything on the table.
Even if it feels redundant,  I want to be honest before the Lord about where I am at.
I find peace in the fact that He knows the desires of my heart, and right now I am working to turn all of my fear and worry into prayers.
To thank Him even in the moments where I feel tired of waiting, wondering what's next, curious about things ahead, empty in some places, and grieving the loss of certain things in my life. 
Maybe it won't be overnight, and maybe I won't even feel the improvement, but my prayer is that instead of worrying, that I would pray.
Spill my heart out.
Be as vulnerable with the Lord as I was with my best friend in the past few days.

I want to experience the fullness of God's power through my prayers.
I want to be changed.
Made whole.

I'm thankful for the peace I've found and the way God has met me out here in Colorado in ways I never expected. 

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