all a part of the process

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I feel unusually blessed tonight.
Nothing special has happened today.
The last few days as the New Year has taken over, I have been thinking back on the past year and thinking about my "New Years Resolutions."
I love the chance to get organized and have a fresh start, but I'm not one to create some huge goal that I will probably not follow through on even a week later.

I tend to gain my confidence and assurance in looking back in the past to see where I've come from.
I could go on and on about how Faithful God has been to me in the past year.

Today I found myself spending some quiet time and really digging into the depths of my heart thinking back on not only the past year but the past few years. I know I have written so much about it, but even thinking about a few snap shots of the past few years all I can see is God's grace.

In the midst of the some of the most unknown moments of my life, where fear literally physically controlled me, God was there. 
He has been constant.
And not for a moment has He forsaken me.

So in 2013 I have something that may be considered a goal. 
I see it as more of a challenge for myself.
I'm not even sure practically how this will be accomplished.
It involves my biggest struggle and also my deepest desires.

I've been asking the Lord what I should be doing different.
In more ways than one I feel like it has been revealed to me.
It's called the Process.

As a planner, I find it hard to not make plans, or checklists, and to go with the flow.
Nothing feels more insecure to me than this.
It's hard for me to understand people who don't make plans for anything.
In being one step ahead all the time, I miss the moment.
This is one of my biggest struggles.
Living in the moment is not something I do often.
I'm not even sure I know how.
I've been recognizing this flaw in myself for some time now. 
I realize the battle it has placed in my life spiritually, as I fight and wrestle with the Lord over the unknowns in my life.

So back to the process.

I want to learn to live in the moment.
To take each day as it comes.
To enjoy and live for the day I am in, recognizing that each and everything that is happening is all a part of the process.  
Instead of only seeing the end goal, or checking something off the list, I want to let the process of life and what God has for me, change me, mold me, and refine my heart.
But this is hard because it involves the deepest desires of my heart.
In recent days, I have struggled to surrender these to the Lord realizing that until I place them in His hands and let it be in His timing, I will be miserable in my own heart. 
I know I have missed out on the joy of some things that have happened in my life because I was so focused on the "end" whatever that looks like for me, that I completely missed everything that happened on the journey to get there.

At 24 years old, I can say my life is not anywhere near what I thought it would look like.
Some days it bothers me that I am not more on my own, with my own life and family, and in a different place than I am now, but once again, God has been showing me He has different plans for me.

While it all isn't what I would have planned,  daily I am finding more of what God has for me. I feel so incredibly blessed with the chance to be working on my Masters and for the responsibility that I will be entrusted with in caring for people someday in the near future. In making some of my own choices outside of God's will for my life, I realize some of the consequences I paid for that in timing, but once again, God's grace was more than sufficient, and I find myself today happier than I've ever been, with more than I could ask for. I am at a place in my life right now where I am being invested in by others that have truly helped me during this hard transition time, but I also have had a chance to invest in children's lives. I never would have thought I would be doing this right now, but I have gained so much more than I've given. 

I am so thankful that God is constant.
That He is consistent.
That He never changes.
That He will be there tomorrow like He was today.
I am realizing the importance of truly living like I know these things as I often try to find these qualities in people in my life and its an expectation that can't always be met as we are human and have our flaws.

I've begun to journal my prayers again, something I was encouraged to do when I was in middle and high school by my sweet friend and mentor Melanie.
I look forward to reading back over my writings in this coming year to see just how God is working in my life.

I know I won't master living in the moment, and enjoying the process right away, but it is my prayer that in this coming year, that I would be exactly where God has me each day.
That the desires of my heart would not overwhelm my mind to a point of obsession to where I miss out on the blessings I have right in front of me.

If you are reading this, I'd ask you to pray for me in this coming year .

I truly believe prayer changes us and this is another part of my life I want to grow in during this year.

I'd be honored to pray for you as well.
 So please tell me, How can I pray for you in this coming year?

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